1004 Chapter Four – The Sailor’s Awakening.

As soon as I heard that water running, I felt more shudders roll up and down my body. It’s not that I was scared of Dale being gay…, well…, not really. It was more that I was scared for him. I had meant what I said back there, everything I had said, I have always been as truthful as I could have been with the boys, even though there was some things I either couldn’t discuss…, or had to misdirect, given the work I did, that was hardly surprising. Like I said I didn’t care that he was gay, I just knew that I was not in a majority, especially around these parts. Where we lived was decently close to the navy base, hence the bulk of the population was either navy, marine, or closely associated with either service. You didn’t have to be a genius to figure out what that meant for the children of the area. That’s not to say that all those that lived here were military…, just most of them. Time was running out for me, I knew I didn’t have much, so while I pulled on my other shoe, I did the only thing I could think of when my mind was this conflicted. I went to that place. You know the one, the one in your mind where you run to when things are too much…, the centre, your rock…, and in my case the man who lived there…

“What am I going to do dad? As much as I want too…, I just can’t be there for him all the time. And what about Corey?”

He just looked at me for a moment from the engine bay. His first love had of course been my mother for all of their adult lives. I can certainly remember them fighting, I mean what healthy relationship doesn’t have the odd disagreement every now and again…, but it was never bad, and always within the hour there was a hug, a kiss and a smile…, nothing more was ever said about it. The Gillie’s dream…, named after my mother, that was dad’s third love, after mom and us kids…, he really did love that boat, in fact I think if it had been practical to do so, he would have liked to have been buried in it…, he was kinda weird that way. Mom and Dad had retired after I had left for Annapolis, after both his children had left home, his boat became his work. I can remember coming home on leave, and finding him in that engine bay covered in oil and grease. We had spent many a lazy afternoon down there, and often mom had brought us dinner, when the time had slipped by. He was so happy that that is how I always remembered him. He was always there when I needed him, if I would just go and ask. Of course I knew that it wasn’t really dad, I knew that my dad was gone. This was just a trick I had heard about, then developed to get me out of a few jams and console me when I was in trouble.

There was that smile again, I could climb right into that smile, fall peacefully asleep knowing that nothing in this world or any other could touch me. The love in that smile was warm calming loving and genuine.

“What you always do son. You do the best that you can, and damn the rest.”

That was his favourite saying, don’t get me wrong like all good dads he seemed to have one to fit every occasion, but that was his favourite. In fact if I really though deeply enough, I would realise that to my knowledge, my dad didn’t have a hateful bone is his body.

“But what if he gets hurt, this world is just so full of hate dad.”

“He’s strong son, you all are.”

“I hope so dad…, I really do”

“Don’t worry so much…, someone else needs you…”

With that he was gone…, I just snapped out of it when I heard Corey calling for me. I had gotten what I needed anyway, it’s funny how it always seemed to happen that way. To be fair, just that smile would probably have been enough anyway. The shower was still running as I made my way downstairs and out the door. With Corey in tow…, I was still processing as I pulled out of the driveway. I don’t know what I was thinking…, I mean I do, but I just didn’t know how to put it all together, there was just  too much going on. Pride in my boy, that was obvious…, happiness that I finally knew a part of what was troubling him, and the thoughts of maybe helping him through it. The fear though…, the fear of the unknown, I think that was the worst bit, I couldn’t even begin to make plans and strategies on how to deal with it until I had that under control…

“So what’s wrong with him?”

My thoughts interrupted, I glanced at the boy beside me, what I saw in those beautiful green eyes near tore my heart wide open again. A serious dose of confusion and hurt, with the overriding love and concern for his brother. You see when the boys had moved away from each other, there had been a definite split, a rift between the two. I didn’t think it had anything to do with Corey, in fact now I knew that it had not. Dale had just gone in a different direction, and had, for all intents and purposes left his brother behind.

“There’s nothing wrong with him…, your brother is just going through a difficult time.”

“Why won’t he talk to me about it then?”

“He probably doesn’t think that he can.”

“Well that’s fucked up…, sorry Uncle Cam, but it is.”

“He just needs some time…, trust me when the time is right he will come to you, he always does. Just let him do it at his own pace.”

“I just don’t get him anymore Uncle Cam…, every time I try to talk with him…, you know…, about serious stuff.., he just pushes me away…, I know he loves me…, it just feels like he doesn’t want me around anymore…”

He stopped talking…, then I heard the tears…, I reached over and gently caressed his shoulder…

“He does love you…, and I know he cares about you a great deal…, he pushes you away because he is going through a few things he needs to go through alone for the moment…”

“But he’s told you though…”

“Yeah he has, but that’s a little different…, and I have told him to talk to you…, he will little man, you can  be sure of that.”

The conversation ended there, when we pulled into the grocery store carpark. We chatted for a bit, as we went through the aisles…, just useless chatter about how school went this year, what things he had planned for the summer…, you know that sort of thing. As always grocery shopping with even just one of the boys was a pricey affair! Usually, I tried to get in and get out just by myself. I always got the things they wanted…, it was just easier when they weren’t there to slow the process down. In the end we finally hit the checkout…, to tell the truth, I always felt quite embarrassed at the checkout…, forking over what could easily be seen as the deficit of a small country.

I shut down the engine, having pulled into the garage…, usually I just pulled up the drive, but as we were going to be away for a few days, I felt it prudent. As soon as the engine noises died down we could hear the sounds of the muffled voices of Dale and Reggie from the room next door, but we couldn’t quite make it out. Only I heard it though I think, as Corey and I hefted up the groceries and headed into the kitchen. Reggie and Dale were waiting for us there…, it was a little funny actually…, you know what I mean, when you walk into a room, and you get met with silence and a slow stare…, well that’s what we got. Dumping the bags on the counter, Reggie and I set about unpacking and putting away the groceries, Corey on the other hand dived head long into the freshly baked pie that she had brought over. I could smell apple, and some form of berry, the woman really was a master in the kitchen and doted on the boys. It was hard to keep up at times. I separated out what we needed to take out with us, then we all headed down to the boat.

About a half hour later Corey slipped the mooring lines while I ran the engines up to full power to test them out. I needn’t have had too, as the temp gauges showed a little residual warmth from when my boy had done the very same thing. I knew that he would’ve told me, had there been anything amiss. Just as he climbed back on board, I engaged the screws and navigated out into the harbour. We sailed down the coast for about a few hours, then pulled into a small cove we all knew well. Firing up the aft deck grill to cook the evening meal out in the dying sun, I watched as  it set over the horizon. It gave off the most beautiful spray of yellow orange when it hit the water…, my dad once told me, that if you listened really carefully, you could hear the sizzle of the steam as it kissed the water. I thought he was pulling my leg…, what can I say, dad was certainly a romantic. But then I guess he had always had a love of the sea…, his years in the navy had taught him that. I never tired of that sight it had been one of my most favourite things on the carrier. I could still remember standing in the stern of the hanger deck just watching the sun go down.

Dale was down in the salon and must have brought some of his music with him. I heard the dulcet tones of some electro pop float up to meet me…, it just seemed to fit the mood so well…, what was that song…?

‘… It’s not the same without you, because it takes two to whisper quietly. The silence isn’t so bad, ‘til I look at my hands and feel sad, because the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly….’

I don’t know why it happened…, even now I can’t figure it…, but like a smack to the face I remembered what I thought about when I was there…, Mark. I started to feel a little guilty. It had been a long time since I had thought seriously about Mark….

Short of my family, Mark had been the most important person in my life. We had known each other for all the years of our lives. Mark and I…, born only a day and two houses apart, it just seemed like destiny that we would always be together, as if the fates had really planned it that way. We had spent the first nine years of our lives together, we were like brothers in many ways and in those ways I loved him. Shortly after our ninth birthday though, his dad had taken a transfer out of state and they moved away. I was shattered, crushed…, even now words  seem to pitiful and paltry to explain the sense of loss I had been feeling at that time of my life. We were best friends, we were brothers…, we were supposed to be together forever.

I can still remember that night…, the night he told me he was leaving. It was still summer, so like most weekends he was sleeping over. I had a big bed…, always did, so like always when it was time for sleep we just crawled in together. We didn’t even know what sex was back then so what we did was fairly natural to us. Being summer it was very warm still at night, so it was little wonder we wore nothing but a pair of tightey whiteys. We lay there drifting slowly to sleep as we whispered deep secrets…, doing what I now know to be a spoon, back then we had no name for it, it just always seemed to happen that way…, me behind Mark, my arm draped over his shoulder and chest. It was then that he broke my young heart for the first time, when he told me he was leaving…, I can remember the shocked gasp I made…, I can even remember the pleading…, but there was nothing that could be done about it, he was just as cut up as I was…, and all I could do was wrap him tight in my arms hoping to never let go.

Time has a funny habit of healing wounds though, after he left the days turned into weeks, the weeks to months…, and then by the time a year had passed, I found that I could move on. I had never forgotten about him, we had even kept in touch, I got a letter every week and a phone call every weekend came from one of us…, but soon that dwindled to every once in a while…, you know how boys are.   A few years later at twelve, a transfer student came into my class one morning. As our eyes met, I recognised him instantly. I guess three years had been a little longer for him than me, as he didn’t seem to recognise me at all…, I hadn’t realised I had changed that much. Though looking back I had just had a growth spurt…, gaining almost a foot in height, and my body had broadened considerably. As the days wore on though, he started to look at me more and more…, to the point where he was almost staring at me. Then one day the inevitable happened…, fate can’t be held at bay for long…, during lunch as I sat alone doing some last minute revisions to last nights homework, a shadow crept over the table in front of me….

“I know you…, don’t I?”

Looking up into those clear blue eyes…, the eyes I would recognise anywhere…, I knew he had come home to me, as the smile that those eyes held so deep started to blossom like a forest bloom. There he was…, Mark…,  older…, but still my Mark.

“I hope so Mark.”

The dopey smile that I had always liked soon followed, and he crashed down onto the seat…, completely and totally refilling the void I only then realised I still had gaping in my heart. We spent the next several days , turning into weeks, catching up, he had certainly changed. A little more confident, and there was something else there that I just couldn’t put my fingers on. Still I didn’t care, I had my brother and my best friend back…, I couldn’t be happier. It wasn’t until a few short years later, while sophomores in high school, when things between us started to change. I never saw it coming, though I’m pretty sure he did.

We were both on the school swim team, we had always been strong swimmers, kinda have to be when you live on the beach. We had travelled to the state capitol, as we were away at the state finals, to tell you the truth…, we doing pretty well at it too. Seeing as we were buddies, coach had no problems with us sharing a room together just the two of us, and that’s when it happened. It was the second day into the competition and we were beat, just dead tired, so we retreated to the comfort of bed. The first night, was just like all the sleepovers we had had, and he slept with me in my bed. The second night something was different, wrong, instead of climbing in with me he just went straight to his own bed.

As I lay there, I just couldn’t get to sleep. Mark was seriously fidgeting in his bed, seems he couldn’t get to sleep either. I had seen this many times before on those same sleepovers, so what came next was pretty natural to me.

“What’s on your mind champ?”

He didn’t respond straight away, and this kinda had me worried, the last time he had been like this was when he had told me he was moving. After about a minute, he rolled onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow to face me. He still didn’t say anything and I started to get scared. The light in the room was bad, so I had a hard time trying to read his face…., turns out I didn’t have to as he dropped the bomb, that would change my life forever….

“I love you Cam…”

“I know you do dude, you’re my best friend I love you to.”

“No I mean I love you Cam…, or…, well…, ok…, no…, I am in love with you.”

“Ah what…, when did this happen? Are you gay?”

“I don’t know…, to be honest I really don’t. Forget I said anything, just go to sleep.”

He rolled over to face the wall and even though the light was bad, I could see him start to shake. I did what any best friend would do…., I got out of bed and climbed in behind him. I wasn’t sure about all this, but I knew he needed me and that was all that mattered at that point. As I slid my arm around him, he wriggled back into me, and I could feel the tears and deep sobs wrack his body, I held him tighter. After a couple of minutes he regained some composure….

“You want to talk about it?”

“No! Stop it Cam, you can’t fix this so don’t try. Just forget it and go to sleep.”

“Don’t push me away, I know you’re hurting.”

“GOD YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!”

“Do what?”

“You can be so fucking infuriating at times…, when you’re like this…, always the peacemaker, you’re just like your dad!”

“That, I will take as a compliment.”

“Fuck you!”

“Is that what you want?”

“No! …,yes.”

“Hmmm….”

“Does it bother you…, that I…, you know?”

“I get the feeling that it bothers you more…, but no…, I don’t know…, I don’t know if I am all that into the idea though.”

“Why are you always so nice to me?”

“Because you are my best friend, and I love you…, probably not the way you want or need me to, but I do love you.”

He rolled over to face me, and I could see the tears still flowing. It hurt me deeply to see him so sad. Even though it broke my heart to let him go the first time, I still supported him more than care for my own feelings. I looked into his eyes they were different to me now, somehow more intense, I could see the desire there, but also the fear. I had never seen fear in those eyes before…, it shook me. I leaned in slightly to kiss his forehead, but at the last second I just knew what he needed. He had always been there for me, though he may not have always realised it, and I did love him…, maybe I could also be in love with him.  I dropped my aim and pressed my lips to his, I held it for a couple of seconds then backed away a little.

“Why?”

“Because I think you needed it…, look…, I don’t know if I can be what you want me to be, but…”

“Don’t”

“Let me finish!”

“Fine.”

“For you…, I’ll try, I can’t say that I’ll be that into it, and I certainly don’t want anyone finding out…, but…, I will try.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Probably not…, but I AM still here.”

I pulled him closer, and our lips met again. I had had several girlfriends and gotten so close to home on several occasions so I had a pretty good idea what I was doing. When I felt his tongue brush lightly against my lips, I opened my mouth for him. He tasted almost like my girlfriends had, there were just subtle differences. The soft stubble on his face was definitely one. Still the kiss was pretty good, not the best in the world but pretty good none the less. As me made out, he slid closer into the embrace, and I could feel that he was aroused. I have to admit that the kissing and the close warmth was making me excited as well, so I just went with it. I got a little shock when I felt his hand slide down the waistband of my boxers. I think I jumped a little as he slid his hand around my manhood.

“Sorry!”

“No…, it’s alright, I just wasn’t expecting it.”

To be honest I wasn’t disgusted by it either, I knew I wasn’t gay…., but, to be fair I couldn’t say I was straight either at that point. The moment kind of took over then…, I rolled us over so that I was on top. I could feel his hands stroke up and down my back, getting lower and lower with each stroke, until finally sliding under my boxers again. He was incredibly gentle, like with everything he did. I don’t know what came over me as I started to slowly kiss my way down his body, stopping briefly to tease his nipples. I was marvelling at his beauty, I had seen him naked more times than I could count, but this just seemed different, new…, and nice.

“OOOOooooooo…, don’t stop” He moaned.

I couldn’t now, even if I wanted to…, and to be fair I wasn’t sure if I did anymore. I slid even further down, caressing his body with my tongue, I was amazed at how much I was getting into it. I made it as far as his boxers….

“Cam don’t…, don’t do anything you don’t want to….”

He couldn’t finish as I just looked at him with a smile, and pulled his boxers down slowly. There it was…, the point of no return. As his boxers went down his tight muscular thighs, his manhood came into view and I was mesmerised. It wasn’t that big really, average length, average width, throbbing ever so slightly. I bent down towards it, and took in his scent. Words cannot describe the roiling of emotion that I was experiencing.

I looked back up at his face, he was eager for me to continue, but also scared. I took him in my hand, and he arched his back involuntarily, as a gasp escaped his lips…, then I took the plunge. As I sucked him for the first time, I didn’t know what I was feeling, but I knew that I didn’t ‘not like it’. He didn’t last long, I wasn’t sure if this was his first, but I think the emotions he was experiencing got the better of him as well. I would need a lot more practice at this, it would seem, as I felt him erupt before I realised he was going to…

“Oh god! I should have said something, I am so sorry…”

“Stop apologising or you will be!” I said as I climbed back up beside him.

“Can…, can I?”

“What…, oh. Well…, I guess it’s a night of firsts, so yeah…, I guess so.”

I lay there as I let him explore my body much the same way as I had done to him. ‘Bi’ I guess as I started to get into the whole thing again. I was still unsure, no other boy had given me these feelings. Maybe I was just into it, because Mark was. I don’t know. I do know that the pleasure, Mark gave me that night was the best one I had ever had, and I had a decent enough set of experiences to draw a conclusion from.

We fell asleep spooning, as we always had. The next morning, I woke to him just watching me, but as I opened my eyes I saw some doubt slide across his beautiful face…

“Good morning.” I said with a smile that was truely genuine.

“Hi… Cam…?”

“Yes Mark?”

“You’re the best friend a guy could ever have…, please don’t hate me for last night.”

“You’re a dick!”

“What!?”

“If I had it in me to hate you at all, do you think I could hate you for what we shared last night. You’re my best friend and you were hurting, I gave you what you needed, and besides…, it was kinda nice.”

“What are you saying? Do you think you might be gay too?”

”Gay? No…, no I’m not gay, that I do know. Bi maybe…, but not gay. I’ve never had any of these feelings for any other boys.” I had to lay some ground rules, though it killed me to hurt him…,even slightly…, I had to do it,  “Don’t get your hopes up, I don’t think I could be your boyfriend. But I can be there for when you really need me…, just like always…, Friends with benefits?”

“I’d like that.” He said, taking me in his arms, gently pressing his lips to mine.

He said nothing more, I thought I may have seen a tear, but I had to say it. We got up and jumped in the shower, together as always to save time. We lost the finals, but Mark and I went home victorious anyway.

We never did settle into a commitment, but then we never stopped sleeping together either. By senior year there was nothing we hadn’t done with each other. After graduation, I went off to Annapolis, I thought Mark would follow…, well…, hoped was more like it, but he went to West Point instead like he had been planning for several years. Still just like the last time we were apart we kept in touch over the years, we were even able to get together more times than I can count, even in that way. My own little ‘Brokeback’ story. Then he was gone. Six years ago on a routine patrol through Basra, Mark’s platoon came under heavy fire. It was a backstreet ambush, that he hadn’t seen the signs of. Mark pulled his unit together and dug in, but the odds were heavily against him. Several of his men were still trapped out in the open, and Mark being Mark would not stand for that. He rushed out twice to save a man before he took the bullet that would end his life. He was only twenty-six, god what a waste!

“…If my voice could travel to the past, I’d whisper in your ear…, oh darling I wish you were here.”