The Sailor's Stories

2054 Chapter eight – Book II

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Through the course of the night, even though he had no idea how or when, Cam must have dozed off at some point…, but for some reason, he just couldn’t stay that way. Odd dreams, raw emotions and a myriad of other things all conspired to rouse him at strange times and varying intervals. In the beginning, it was a strong sense of happiness, literally suffusing his taught lean frame, even going so far as to swell completely unabated within his very soul. Then just as quickly it changed, and he started feeling guilty…, guilt from the sense of betrayal so strong within his mind…, but over time, even that started to slowly dissipate. Of course as soon as he realized it was happening, a new rush of the similar, if not the same, flooded in to replace it like the ever present cascading tide.

Consequently, with what little sleep he’d been able to garner from the tossing and turning all night, he knew he’d be useless come the next day. The frigid temperature in his room wasn’t helping either, and even though his covers were pulled up tight, he just couldn’t escape the fact that he was sweating profusely. A rank odor, permeating strongly in it’s somewhat fevered state, surrounding him like one of his wet cold sodden blankets. Cam was accustomed to such smells, he’d smelt them so many times before. What he couldn’t figure out, as he lay there, the early hours of the morning ticking down, his beautiful blue eyes wide open…, was why he felt such conflict over something that really should’ve been so simple…, or at least, that’s what he was telling himself.

Stuck wide eyed, in one of his more lucid moments, he went back to the beginning…, in order to get a better handle on the situation. The fact of the matter was, the simple and deep elation he’d originally held onto so dearly, what with hearing the boys talking coupled with all the thoughts and feelings he’d experienced the last few days, was that which kept sleep to the very fringe of his being. Unfortunately for most people is his unenviable position, there was the main problem with a highly trained tactical mind…, once running, it’s very hard to shut down. Pro’s, con’s, memories…, they ran rough shod over his tired thought processes all through the night, as if he was caught in the very private vortex of his own personal battle…, the battle for his love and sanity.

Of course, all battles need sides…, and he was certainly not short of any within his own mind. In the end though, through all the struggles and hard pitched conflict, only three of those sides remained standing. First was his love for the one he’d lost, at the onset, that was probably the strongest but it was getting weaker by the moment. Caught in a desperate fight with the first, was the second…, the one he might gain. All the while, the third…, the boys and what this might mean for them…, skirted the edges in a set of continuous spoiling attacks.

He was that torn within himself, that he truly didn’t know which way to lend his support. To him, restless in those dark early hours…, it was like he was standing on a hill, somewhat like the generals of old, watching the whole scene playout. Part of it, but somehow detached at the same time, it was certainly an interesting feeling for him. Trouble was, he had no way to directly influence the event taking place, unlike those generals of old, he had no reserve troops to send heartlessly into the fray.

It’s funny how the mind works when it’s sleep deprived, and even in his state, he could see the humor in it. Though humor did little to lessen the impact, or importance of how he was feeling. Through it all, or maybe towards the end, he realized that his eyes were wide open, and he was struck by that fact as soon as he’d thought it, because it’s true they were. Which put him in mind of what Danny had said to him the other day.

Staring intently at his ceiling, he was starting to see things the way Danny did…, was starting to understand for the first time what it was, he was actually seeing and in turn, he could finally begin to understand what he was fighting for. Mark was gone…, he knew that…, knew that only too well in fact, but he…, Cameran Trevallian…, wasn’t…, he had to keep on living, had to carry on. He could remember the boys telling him that all those weeks ago, and then the most powerful of all struck…, what Mark had said to him in his dream. Mark had told him to let go, and that’s exactly what he did…, after six years, in his mind he started to see many possible futures, but the one he grabbed for, the one he soon held onto for dear life…, was Danny.

That’s when the true import of the overheard conversation snuck into his battered and bruised psyche, he didn’t have to worry about the boys…, he realized…, and just as suddenly started to fear they no longer needed him as they once did. He wasn’t afraid of losing them outright, just that he was starting to see the burgeoning independence that was within all of them. What he should have done at that moment, was feel proud, and somewhere deep down he really did. But as that very sobering thought filtered through, all he could feel, was a deep sense of sadness and longing.

He knew he was wrong but he felt it anyway. Lying there in his state of perpetual wakefulness, he once again laid it all out in his mind. The boys were fourteen now, and all of them had lives of their own. Corey, he very quickly came to see, was already pretty much a lost cause. Sure the kid still liked to be held occasionally, still came to him for advice, was still dependent on him for sustenance care and love…, but at the same time was definitely making his own way in the world. Over the last few weeks, he’d spent less and less time at home, because he’d found another source of comfort in a loving relationship of his own making. Cam could see that, though he would still be around for a while yet, and that he would still be needed every now and again, Corey was very much his own man these days.

Dale and Carl, were in a similar position, a position of shared strength, that only comes from the loving partnership that they had with each other. One that Cam had only very recently seen the compelling evidence of. He’d stood and watched the day before when Dale very lovingly stripped Carl and put him to bed. Not once had Dale balked at doing the task, he did it purely out of the love he had for the boy, taking care of him as only a loved one can. Though he didn’t look it, Dale was in fact stronger than Carl in many ways, but only because he had the other to fall back on. For his part, Carl also had his strengths, they were just different…, different but complimentary. They were a unit…, any one could see that…, and as a unit they would be near unstoppable.

The constant dipping into and out of sleep all through the night and even well into the morning, certainly wasn’t doing his sanity any favors…, nor was his over analyzing. Things came to a head, getting him to the point where he finally couldn’t take it any longer. Just short of five in the morning, having at long last come to the conclusion that sleep was going to continue to elude him, he crawled out of bed, pulled on some jeans and a hoodie and headed downstairs. On the way he grabbed his keys and wallet, deciding at the last second to take a drive to clear his overburdened mind.

At first he just started driving, not at all sure where he might end up, but as the streets washed past his senses, he soon found himself parked in front of a not too unfamiliar place. Climbing out of the drivers seat, he reached back to lock the Jeep. The gates were chained, but he knew what he needed to do now, and without a second thought, he climbed the surrounding brick wall, landing neatly in the snow piled high against the other side, then made his way onwards. Before long his feet were soaked, from walking in the soft fresh snow of morning…, and what’s worse, he was freezing, but when he thought about it, he found he really didn’t care.

Light was at a premium, the morning still held firm in the grips of night’s dark embrace, giving the area a weird eerie kind of atmosphere. Though dark, the moon was still high in the sky, and it’s kiss leant the darkness a subtle power over the gothic structures he passed, casting almost frightening shadows for row upon on row…, he still didn’t care. When one has seen hell first hand, there’s little left on this earth that’s even remotely scary. Looking up as he trudged on through ever thickening snow, he decided the moon’s pale light would be sufficient for now, because when he passed through a small stand of trees, he saw his destination anyway.

“Been a while, huh?” He said, dropping slowly to his knees. “I know it was you…, that last dream…, you came back for me…, didn’t you?”

Twisting on the earth beneath him, Cam turned his body round to lean back against the gravestone, making himself as comfortable as he could…, he started to shed soft quiet tears. Even though he knew Mark couldn’t answer him back, he had some things to say…, some things to tell him…, things that can only be said in person. It was going to be a long morning.

*          *          *

Arriving home later that morning, he found Danny sitting at his customary place at the breakfast table. Given the still relatively early hour, he was a little surprised, even though he knew he shouldn’t have been. That same scene had played out every morning but the first one, since he’d moved in. Cam’s impromptu trip had left him drained and tired, and he was on his way to try for some more sleep, but had diverted at the last minute, feeling thirsty, and only came in to get some water. However, when he saw Danny’s sweet face, he suddenly couldn’t think of any better place to be. When the realization of that clicked in, a soft subtle smile started to creep slowly across his face.

Danny was already dressed, though with his hair still slightly damp, he hadn’t been that way long…, of course none of that did anything to diminish his beauty in Cam’s eyes…, a beauty that Cam had been leaning more and more towards lately. He had in fact been up for awhile. A fact which was quickly confirmed mere seconds later, when the strong delicious aroma of freshly brewed coffee, performed a full frontal assault on Cam’s olfactory senses. Old habits would always die hard for Danny it seemed, much to Cam’s delight, the first thing he did in the morning was set the coffee machine.

They smiled when they first saw each other, almost certain what they felt was the same…, but just like every other time, Danny’s expression soon turned to that ever present lack of surety. The poor guy knew what he wanted, he even thought he knew how to get it…, he simply lacked the experience to understand it. For Cam’s part, he too now knew exactly what he wanted, though he was silently praying it wasn’t too late. Although one sided, his conversation earlier had soothed his worried mind, to the point of helping him to accept where he was going. Now he just had to make it happen…

“We need to talk Danny…”

“Oh shit! … Nothing good ever comes after that statement…” Danny said, as the fear he now felt cascaded over his subtle features, and tears started to leak unchecked, but slowly down the soft skin of his cheek.

Should have worded that better!…, Cam thought, but he was already on his way to the other side of the table, where Danny was sitting. There was no preamble in the next few moment’s, and through his actions, neither of them were left in any doubt as to Cam’s intentions. Picking Danny bodily from the chair where he’d been sitting, Cam pulled him in and held him tight. At first Danny thought he was under attack, Cam had moved that fast, but as soon as he felt the embrace, he could do nothing but melt into it.

“Oh god…, I’m so sorry…, I didn’t mean it like that Dan…, really…, we just need to sort a few things out is all…”

“Y…, you sure…” He said, trying his best to stifle a sob.

“I’m sure…” Cam said, leaning back and taking Danny’s face in his hands only seconds before leaning back in to place a soft, almost chaste, kiss on the younger man’s velvety red lips.

Danny was suddenly all smiles, and slightly flushed from the effort when they broke apart. Cam though was not used to it, and so felt a little different…, not bad…, just different. He had wanted it though, in fact if he was to be totally honest, he’d wanted to do that from the very first moment he’d laid eyes on the young man, once again being held lovingly in his arms…, he just didn’t know it at the time.

“You sure this is what you want?” Danny said, with an air of pleading in his voice, and a look of hope on his face.

Smiling through his own tears, though he had no idea when he’d started to cry, he simply said…, “You’re what I want Dan…, just you…”

“But…, what about…?”

“Nothing else matters right now…, we need to sort ourselves out first…, you…, um…, you wanna get outta here…, I’ll buy you breakfast?”

“Ah…, sure…”

Leaving a note for the boys to sort themselves out when they got up, Cam whisked Danny off towards their blossoming future. Much to their dismay however, there wasn’t that much open that early in the morning. They ended up driving all over the island, before looking further afield. The ride was quiet, both men lost in deep thought, but within the hour they were sat in the garden of a picturesque English style café that Cam knew not far from the airport. They were lucky that he’d remembered the place, he’d only been there once with the boys, before taking the plane out for the day. Waiting for their meal they sat there rather quietly, sipping the coffees that had been brought to them.

Surprisingly, the place was fairly full, and as usual Cam glanced around idly. Being one to never get into a place that he didn’t know how to get out of in a hurry…, exits, threats and someone they might know were foremost on his mind. Most of the customers were families he noticed, their kids either in the play area or feeding the ducks in the small pond off to the side of the outside seated area. He checked thoroughly, but there was no one that he even remotely recognized, so he thought them to be likely passengers or travelers from one of the charter companies at the airfield.

By the time their meal of poached eggs, bacon and English muffins arrived, he was through contemplating the location and they set to it with a will. An extreme lack of sleep on one part, and a high stress level on the other, made both of them hungrier than they thought. They ate in silence, occasionally one or the other would steal a furtive glance, until their plates were cleared. After all that he’d been through that morning, now knowing wasn’t making things any easier, and in an effort to start up a conversation, Cam asked if Danny wanted another drink.

“No, thanks…” he replied. “You have one though…, if you want…, I think I’d like to go feed the birds for a little while.”

Cam had been stalling, he knew that, but the concept of dating was still so foreign to him. In point of fact, the only real relationship that he’d ever had was one that had quite  literally dropped into his lap, so he had no idea how this dating thing worked. Is this a date…, he wondered while he nursed his second drink…, the coffee was terrible, so he’d switched to tea, which was ultimately preferable at this still early hour. In doing  so, he couldn’t help but watch Danny, sat on the bank of the small pond, casually throwing some leftover toasted muffin into the water. From his posture, he could tell the guy was deep in thought, but of what…, he had no idea. He could guess though, and as it turns out, he guessed correctly.

Danny was thinking about Cam and himself, and what had happened in the past twenty four hours. Was going over the strange, and seemingly random change of heart, that Cam had showed that morning. Was thinking about the boys, and the peace that he’d made with Carl…, but most of all, was thinking about how happy he was now feeling. It was going to be hard enough for both of them, but if Cam could come to terms with whatever he’d had to come to terms with…, then so could he. Cam needn’t have worried though, as Danny turned round, flashed him a very comforting smile, then went back to feeding the ducks.

They left the café shortly thereafter, originally headed for home, but Cam took a different turn five or ten minutes into the journey. They were soon parked up near to a public beach. With the sun high in the sky, and warmer than it should have been for that time of year, most of whatever snow that had accumulated on the sand was now gone.

“Take a walk with me…?” Cam said, with a hopeful smile.

“Sure…, I’d love too.”

The day turned out to be unseasonably warm, and the two of them walked along the beach for hours. Sometimes walking in circles, just to make it last longer. Through it all Cam was able to come clean, to finally clear the air. This wasn’t the first conversation they’d ever had, it wasn’t even the first one where they were completely open with each other…, but it was the first they shared as equal partners. Luckily for them, there was no one around and the beach, although public, was relatively secluded…, because by the time they made it back to the Jeep…, they were well and truly holding tight to each other’s hand.

Being such a nice day, they decided to take the long way home…, exploring the country roads to their heart’s content, just enjoying the fresh air. Other than stopping for a quick bite at a roadside diner, they hardly exchanged more than a dozen words all the way home, just the occasional contented glance at each other once in a while. It was a pity that they had to go home eventually, and although they had stretched the time out as much as they could, they had to make their way…, it was getting dark anyhow, and Cam knew the boys would probably be getting worried by now.

*          *          *

Time had simply vanished that day, and it was well after dark when they got home, the hallway light was on for them, but nothing else was. In the end they needn’t have bothered worrying, but they only found that out, when they saw the note taped to the inside door of the garage. As it turns out, Carl wasn’t feeling very well, so he and Dale had gone to bed early, and Corey was with Sam for the evening, having taken her to the movies. All in all, it had been a very taxing day for Cam and Danny, so forgoing any form of dinner, they simply climbed the stairs together. When they stopped at Cam’s door, Danny gave Cam a very tender hug…

“I can’t imagine what you’re going through…, I just want you to know that I love you…, and if you need me for anything I’m here for you.”

Cam wiped a stray tear from his eye and said, “Oh Danny! …, I do think I love you too…, I’m scared though…”

“What are you scared of?” Danny said, as a slight tremor of fear ran through his taught and already tense body.

Danny had looked almost resigned to sleeping alone again that night, but Cam had other plans. Pulling Danny gently into his room, he reached around to close the door. He took a moment, before he took Danny’s hands in his own, then took another to search those eyes. For all either of them cared right then, time could have stopped dead still and never started again, but eventually the moment had to be broken…

“This is still kinda new to me…, tonight, can you please just hold me?” Cam said, looking into the slightly dejected face of the man, he was very quickly, falling in love with…, “I know what you want, and I want it too Danny…, but I’m not ready…, not yet…, I just need to feel you touching me…,  I just want us to be together first…, to just share our love for each other…, is that ok?”

“Of course it is…, I’d do anything for you.”  Danny replied, with a soft growing, but loving smile.

He leaned over and gave Cam a very tender but somewhat passionate kiss. They remained like that for going on five minutes, eventually dueling with their tongues as the passion grew almost to the point of out of control…, simply melting into each other. When they broke the kiss, each looked into the eyes of the other and began to slowly, tentatively undress themselves. Not that they didn’t find each other attractive, they did, but neither of them was even slightly aroused right then. This was a moment for gentle actions, it wasn’t about sex, this was an expression of the building love they felt for each other.

Danny led Cam to his bed, he pulled back the covers, and gently laid him down. It was an odd moment for him, he was often the sensitive one in a relationship, but he’d never before, been the stronger one. Laying down next to Cam, Danny wrapped his arms around his new…, and hopefully last, boyfriend. They laid there for almost an eternity, staring into each others eyes…, each one incapable of holding back the smile they felt. When Cam draped his leg over Danny’s hip, pulling him a little closer, the two shared another very passionate kiss. With light smooches, soft lip grazes and sometimes heavier kisses, they made out for another 30 minutes or so, before exhaustion finally overtook them…, not another word was said that night.

The whole time, neither had touched the others genitals, this wasn’t about release or one time gratification. This was a time to build, a time to just be together to further strengthen the bond to which they had already laid the foundation for. In a sense, they were allowing their emotions to rule their actions, not their hormones, in this very special encounter. Eventually they fell asleep, and they did so, holding on to one another.  Each had many dreams that night…, in their dreams they lived, loved, and just enjoyed the life that they could both see together.

They were still in the same position the following morning when Cam woke up. In his early morning fugue like state, between dreams and reality, he wasn’t at all sure whether or not he’d dreamed the whole event. But the sight of Danny laying next to him, still sleeping peacefully, a small but sure smile on his face, convinced him that it had actually happened. With a strong sense of wonder, Cam looked at the sleeping form beside him and stroked his hair softly and lovingly, not for the first time being overcome by his beauty and the remarkable strength of his personality. He was sorely tempted to wake him just so they could talk again, but reluctantly decided that Danny needed the sleep and he needed a shower, the exertions of the previous day leaving their unmistakable stain on his presentation.

He showered and then decided to get dressed in the bathroom to be quiet, before slipping out of his room, headed to the kitchen. Cam was sat having his first coffee of the day and still mulling over the previous night when Danny came into the kitchen and made himself a drink some time later. For the first time that week, Cam had beaten him to the coffee machine, not that it mattered at all. He glanced at him and got an early morning, “I’m not awake yet.” look back. Thinking nothing of it, Cam just left him to his early morning ritual, though he did notice Danny was wearing nothing but the pair of skimpy boxer briefs that he’d had on the night before…, boxers which left absolutely nothing to the imagination.

They hugged him tightly, so much so that Cam could see everything in almost minute detail. The guy was definitely attractive…, there could never be any doubts about that, but as he stared intently, for the first time, Cam realized that that was just a small part of what he had to offer. Over the last few days, as they’d gotten to know each other outside of a work environment, Cam had learned more than he’d realized at first. He had a certain kind of strength to him, that Cam found both new and exciting. He was caring and sensitive…, and very sweet, in fact, in a lot of ways, he was very similar to Mark, but the differences were enough to make the two stand apart as individuals.

“I’ll give you a whole dollar for your thoughts…”

Cam had been so wrapped up in his own thoughts, that he hadn’t even noticed the tables had turned. When he looked over at Danny, he found him leaning almost casually against the bench top, his left arm outstretched with his hand resting on the counter, while he brought the other up to bring his coffee mug to those tantalizingly kissable lips. There’s no telling how long he’d been standing that way, but the evidence was clear that he’d been staring himself. Cam felt a brief moment of panic, feeling a fear that he’d somehow not measure up…, that he’d be found to be a fraud, or in some way inadequate. The soft gentle caring smile he received, however, put him instantly at ease.

“A whole dollar…?” Cam replied.

“Yup…, a whole dollar…, I would’ve said penny…, but it looks like you’ve got something really big on your mind…”

“Not really…, just thinking…”

“Yeah huh? …, anything interesting?”

“Hmmm…, dunno…, was just thinking that I’m kinda falling in love with you…”


Written by bigct/Octavius

August 2, 2010 at 05:26

8 Responses

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  1. What a wonderful chessgame. Even Alexander the Great had times when he could not command all events, but like Cam had very human emotions . Your tale is so intriguing and well written, that I sometimes think of it as a warrier or battle story, when in my heart I know it is truely about LOVe. Thanks agin, and look forward to the next missive


    August 2, 2010 at 06:50

  2. Wow. So much insight, my mind is spinning. In a good way. I’m glad Cam is starting to figure things out, and they can begin their relationship.

    Don’t feel bad about the wait. I’ve been away from the internet, so I came back with two new chapters to read! YAY! I’m always excited to read another chapter from you. You captivate me.

    Be well.



    August 2, 2010 at 18:47

    • Thanks dude.., that’s a really sweet thing to say.



      August 2, 2010 at 18:50

  3. If only relationships worked this way in real life! Even if they don’t, your story gives me hope that they do!

    I think I know how this is going to end, but you can still keep writing and surprise me anyway!!!


    August 3, 2010 at 14:13

  4. CT my what a grown up chapter [just had to rub it in]. You certainly brought a lot of mixed emmotions into this one before a final acceptance of the situation – really enjoyed it. Look forward to see how the whole thing blossoms.
    Regards Stef


    August 3, 2010 at 15:36

  5. I’m really enjoying this story.


    August 4, 2010 at 20:44

  6. ahhh “That fugue like state ” This Dinosaur had to look that up again! I had not heard that used in SO many years!


    June 13, 2011 at 19:44

  7. ahhh “That fugue like state ” This Dinosaur had to look that up again! I had not heard that used in SO many years!
    As everyone has said over and over , your writing traps me, wanting more, much like Dan Brown did 8 Years ago in te Divinci Code.


    June 13, 2011 at 19:45

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