The Sailor's Stories

2057 Chapter eleven – Book II

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A very long time ago, a great man once said…, “In the end, it’s not the years in your life that counts. It’s the life in your years.” That simple phrase spoken near countless years before, couldn’t have been more poignant for everyone involved that day. At the very least…, it was for most involved, something nice to hold on to, something to use when the very brittle human mind try’s to make some sense out of such unfathomable horror. Doesn’t quite cover it though, not really…, it’s just words and how can words possibly lessen the impact of having someone you love and care about there one minute and then just gone the next. How can words truly measure the worth of someone who hasn’t even been given the chance to explore his full potential.

Sometimes life has a funny habit of doing that, and far too often when you least expect it. How many times is someone so full of life, someone with the world at their feet, been cut down in their prime? It’s almost like there’s a limit to the amount of good people that this world can have at any one time. At least on the battlefield in times of war, or even in other times of some deep struggle you can garner a little meaning, a sort of sense to the loss. But when it happens so out of the blue, like it did that day, with no real apparent reason…, what sense is there? How can a loss like that be justified, in any real way that makes any kind of sense, that jibes with any kind of reality worth experiencing?

When it all comes down to it though, and this is the truly sad thing for most people, it seems mass media, R-Rated movies and computer games, have very steadily over time lessened tragedy’s impact. Eroding those barriers that as children we put up to protect ourselves, to hold the very shaky line between what’s real and what our young minds simply should not be able to cope with. Barriers that our own innate sense of morality and simple human decency say we should have. Of course, those walls lessen as we get older, life experience plays a big part in that as we learn and grow…, it just seems that outside influences are speeding up that process these days. For the young, or the very lucky few however, it’s not until you see it with your very own eyes, that the full effect really comes into play.

Because of that, quite often, in fact all too frequently, it seems for some very unlucky people that it’s insanely difficult to grasp the more surreal twists and turns which life throws our way. For those who witness tragedy firsthand in all it’s evil glory, and especially for those that saw what took place on that cold late winter’s morning, in front of that very unassuming middle school…, the term surreal just doesn’t quite cover it. Though through experience he was somewhat more prepared, Cam was no different than anyone else. A veritable mélange of emotions feelings thoughts and unreal sights, played havoc through his flayed mind, as he struggled within himself to come to grips with it all.

You see, for Cameran Trevallian, seeing dead dying or even dismembered bodies wasn’t at all a new experience, as sad as that fact is…, or isn’t…, depending on your point of view at the time. He’d spent far too many years in hellish combat situations, coupled together with too many times seeing his men or worse, his friends, torn apart for it to have that strong of an affect on him. Like so many in his unenviable position, to be brutally honest he was almost, but not entirely, desensitized to visions of blood and gore. So much so in fact, it barely even fazed him at all anymore. If he hadn’t been personally involved that day, he would have been the perfect man to fill the role of ‘first on the scene’. Unfortunately though, as seems to happen far too often for him these days, that simply wasn’t to be the case…, he was involved…, deeply and emotionally involved.

Once he was sure it was safe to do so, he made his way carefully through the masses of crying terrified children, huddled together out of some yearning for protection, or an instinctive sense to protect a dear friend. He was still clutching the heavy metal pistol in a firm grip, his arm at his side, as if it was a very real and very much needed safety blanket, the thought never even crossed his mind to put it away, even after hearing the sirens fast approaching from all around him. He wasn’t afraid of repercussions, oh sure…, he cared that he’d taken another life, certainly…, but as far as he was concerned, it was Tony or his boys…, he’d made his choice and so had Cam. In fact, the only thing he was concerned about, was that it seemed he might just be too late.

Placing each step with the care of the well trained individual he was, almost sedately he walked towards his worst nightmare…, a nightmare no parent wants to see realized. For Cam right then, it was as if time slowed down to a barely recognizable trickle, when the mess of bodies his boys had made became clear. Somewhere off in the distance, through the fog of what he was seeing and feeling, he could hear the sounds of a girl crying, even over the increasing volume of those wailing sirens…, but then, even that didn’t really register through his wall of impending grief.

Though it went against every fiber of his being, he didn’t check Tony’s body…, not even to make sure he was no longer a threat. The simple fact of the matter, was that he wasn’t. The little voice which lived in the very far back of his head, where he kept such things, told him that quite clearly. With all of his training and experience, Cam knew he’d placed his shot well…, the boy’s collapsed skull was an instantly recognizable testament to that fact. But then even if it wasn’t, the stupid kid was in the middle of a pool of his own blood, lying at odd angles…, angles that no living being would be able to make comfortably. The barest of glances confirmed all this, before Cam continued his walk ever closer, slowly placing one foot in front of the other, dreading what he might find…, though a small kernel of hope still flickered in his chest…, the hope that he was somehow wrong.

When thinking about it much later, Cam felt the whole surreal scene, gave an impression similar to what you’d experience during the first downward lunge of a roller coaster ride. That first instant yet startling sensation, where you feel like your heart has inexplicably lodged itself in your throat and you’ve left your stomach somewhere very much far behind you. Followed so quickly, as these things inevitably tend to do, by that prickly rush of warm electricity running all over your body. The one that feels like you’re being engulfed by the quickest of flash fires, giving the sensation of setting all your body hair on end with that special kind of hyper-sensitivity. That wasn’t quite enough to describe how he felt when he first saw his boys go down, but it was somewhere close. From that very point, abject terror moved in, now living in his very soul, while he frantically prepared himself for the worst.

Though they never really realize it, until any given circumstance arises, in this life, there are many things a parent will and will not do for their children. At our very basic level, we are all animals after all…, how many times have you seen a mother protect her cub on the animal channel? As far as Cam was concerned, that was all he was doing. Some things a parent will do out of a sense of love, some out of the need to protect their offspring…, but no parent wants or should have to do what Cam was about to. Short of one or two instances in the past, like any parent he’d done his very level best to shield all his boys from any kind of danger, from them seeing that real life is indeed a hard and scary place. He wasn’t always successful, as past history shows, but he did try.

Though he’d kept as good a watch on them as he could, he had always trusted his boys instincts and sense of themselves, trusted that they’d be careful, would do their best to keep themselves safe. But even then, that didn’t always work…, Carl being attacked by his brothers at the park was strong evidence of that. Cam was no fool, he knew he couldn’t be everywhere at once, and he also knew that he wasn’t going to be around forever, so he’d taken great pains to prepare them for their futures. From almost the moment that the twins had come to live with him, he’d trained them to look after themselves in almost any situation. Trained them in martial arts and CQB, trained them in bushcraft, in rudimentary medicine, always secretly hoping they would never have to use such skills…, but, forewarned is forearmed, as they say.

At the same time though, he’d also always done his best to look out for them himself, knowing that sometimes really shitty things just happen. Or trying to be there for them, at those times where the situation really spirals out of control, and they were simply too young to handle it. However, if there was one indelible truth in this world that he’d always tried to teach them, it was that life is not a movie, people lie, they cheat and they steal…, good guys don’t always win, and probably the worst bit there is…, love doesn’t conquer all. Now though, he was starting to wonder if he’d done enough.

His heart sank a little deeper when he finally got close enough to make out any detail. Seeing the boys lying there looking so pitiful and broken, he fell heavily to his knees, not even caring that the snow was now soaking through the heavy fabric of his dark uniform pants. The whole scene was one of those ‘When the dust settles’ moments, but the stark unreality of it couldn’t even begin to cover what he was seeing or feeling. He knew he wasn’t immortal…, knew his boys weren’t either…, but he just couldn’t bring himself to accept the worst, to let any one of them go.

There was so much blood…, that was his first thought…, it was everywhere, pooling underneath the pile, slowly spreading out in ever increasing circles. So much so, that it was just too hard to tell where it was all coming from. Whether it was from the stress of the immediate scene, or just all of what had happened and he’d been feeling recently, something inside him broke. Like the water that bursts forth from a ruptured dam, images of past events, of all the death and destruction he’d seen over the years suffused his vision. Kaleidoscopic views of death and destruction cascaded over his minds eye, and in an instant he was right back in that clearing with Simon, staring at the scared naked little boy all covered in blood. Then his mind started flashing and he saw the terrified look in the eye’s of some hadgy he was about to kill, the blown apart remains of Tom Jansen, and all the rest that he’d tried so hard to repress…, right then, it all came flooding through him and almost took his sense of self with it.

Rage, sheer unadulterated rage was what brought him back from the brink. His Rage at the senselessness of what had happened, and his anger that he was powerless to stop it in time. Cam wasn’t a particularly religious man, never had been really, but as soon as he felt his rage give him focus, it just as instantly disappeared into whatever ether it came from. How that happened he had no idea, but he used this new calm to focus on his surroundings, he needed to get his bearings if he was going to be any help right then.

Over to the side, Corey was lying atop Sam, in a valiant gesture of protection. Showing himself to be more of a man than his actual years would suggest. They were both alive, and though extremely shaken, appeared to be unhurt. Cam felt a sense of incredible relief and not a little pride intermix with the rest of his flayed raw feelings at that sight. In that moment alone, he realized his little boy wasn’t a little boy anymore. Though he wasn’t quite a man yet, Cam could see that it wasn’t far off , what he felt about that, he wasn’t quite sure, but he knew it was a good thing.

It was only then, that he realized the girl’s cries had come from Sam, while she lay there helpless and pinned down by Corey, powerless to save her slightly younger brother. Just as he thought that, Cam knew if Sam was here, then JJ wouldn’t be far away and as that realization made it’s way into his psyche he snapped his head round to the pile. The one on top of the three boys, Cam instantly recognized as JJ. He’d not seen him when he’d previously dropped off the other three, but thinking about it later, was not all that surprised that he would be there with the boys on his first day. What a first day this was going to be for him.

When he actually looked, he could see two circles of deep red spreading out across the back of the boy’s jacket, with a small almost insignificant hole in the center of each. He could see that they were still growing, and knew that he had to somehow plug them, to stop the bleeding that he thought might save this boy. Once again rage took hold, but Cam managed to keep it in check this time, as he lifted him gently almost reverently off the others. Though when he did, his heart sank to previously unplumbed depths, as he got that unmistakable ‘dead weight’ feeling.

Too many past experiences came into play, and he knew instantly what that meant. It still didn’t mean he was ready for it and with a great amount of sheer bloody mindedness, his brain tried to block it out. Before he came back to his senses, the moment took on a strange sense of the macabre, at first he wondered why the boy didn’t make any noise when he hugged him close…, why his arms were lifeless, flopping this way and that. Then he felt the warm wet sticky feeling, as JJ’s blood seeped through the many layers of clothing, onto the skin of his chest. That too, was a feeling he knew well, and he could no longer hide the fact from himself.

With the weight of JJ’s small taught lean frame removed, the two boys that had been below him, Dale and Carl, both reacted in instant fear. At the time, they were probably wondering if their attacker was moving in to be sure of his work, or worse…, to make sure. So they stayed deathly still, holding their eyes closed so not to give the game away. Of course to the more than casual observer, the death grip that each boy had on the others hand, would have been a definite giveaway. Before long, when the fatal shot didn’t come, Dale’s concern for the safety of himself, his lover, and his friend, as well as his brother and Sam, overcame his desire for subterfuge and he opened his eyes, only to quickly close them again to block out the horror he witnessed.

Even though it was a weird thought to have at the time, it almost looked as if JJ had pulled some kind of double clothesline action, in an effort to pull both Dale and Carl to the ground, at least that’s what it looked like to Cam, before he pulled JJ’s body over, and caught the first sight of his boys. Like JJ, they too were covered in blood, but as Cam held the small boy against his chest, he did a cursory check and could see no visible wounds…, at least they both appeared to be breathing. A fact confirmed, when Dale looked up at him, before collapsing again. His boys were alive and for the moment in no danger, so he let them be, there other pressing matters to attend to.

Concentrating back on JJ, a strong sense, born of the greatest sadness suffused Cam, after he’d started to check him over. What he found was enough to wrench the heart from his very soul, if it could have been found that is…, it had sunken so low with grief. Out of the two rounds fired by Carl’s brother, both had hit squarely in JJ’s back, one lower, one just slightly to the left of middle, as seen from behind. Reading the coroner’s report many days later, Cam learned that the first round had entered about midway into the small of the young mans back, nicked the spine and ricocheted to the right, where it tore a path through his liver. The second one had done more damage, and had obviously hit him as he pulled the boys down, but thankfully was less brutal about it. It simply busted apart two ribs, and shredded it’s way straight through the young man’s heart.

All in all, JJ was dead almost instantly, but Cam didn’t know that at the time, and it certainly didn’t stop him from doing his best in a futile effort to revive him. Much later, Cam found out from witness accounts exactly what had happened. Several stories had meshed to form that ever present larger picture, and it was a picture of both extreme sadness and great heroism. Having seen what was about to unfold, JJ had indeed reacted, seemingly without a seconds thought, and brought both boys down, putting his own body in the path of the oncoming pieces of death bringing lead. Whether he felt brave, scared, or nothing at all would go to his grave with him…, sadly, so would his reasons for committing to such a heroic act.

For Cameran Trevallian right then, the only thing he could figure, was that JJ for some unknown reason had tried to save his boys. Why he would do such a seemingly heroic thing, was way beyond him and as far as Cam was concerned, only JJ knew the answer to that, but he wasn’t home at the moment. Gratitude and a sense of deep guilt that he wasn’t fast enough, thrust Cam into action that day. He did everything he could think of to save the boy, even though he had little to no supplies at hand.

The sound of the first shot had galvanized several teachers into action, those that had been standing either just outside, or very near to the entrance, had reacted immediately. They’d collected as many of the children as possible, doing their best to take them out of harm’s way. But now that emergency services had finally arrived, they started to drop with the stress of it all. The police who were first on the scene, immediately set about cordoning off the area. Having secured weapons from all involved, they started to search out and hold all the children they could find for later questioning as witnesses…, as the first school bell hadn’t rung, there were quite a few.

Now that the area was secure, and while the police went about collecting statements, the paramedics rushed into the fray. Having taken only a cursory look at Tony, before draping a blanket over his body, they rushed on to where Cam was still beating on JJ’s chest. What they found was somewhat of a surprise, and really quite ingenious, albeit by that stage completely pointless. As stated, Cam had no real supplies at hand, but those trained in the arena of special forces know a thing or two when it comes to adaptability in any given situation.

In an effort to stem the bleeding, Cam had gathered as much snow as he could, and had packed hard and deep into the wounds. He’d done that in an effort to numb, if not freeze the affected area, before wrapping shreds of ripped clothing over them to keep it all in place. There was a little seepage, and the makeshift bandages had shifted somewhat while he was attempting to restart the boy’s shredded heart, but it appeared to be doing its job well enough. What he’d done may even had worked, if the damage hadn’t been so great. Sure, if he had managed to save him, there would have been complications later, frostbite among other things, but those concerns meant nothing at the time, they were things that could be sorted out after the fact.

Unfortunately his efforts were in vain, a fact that the paramedics soon found out when they checked for vitals. Although part of their job, this was not something that anyone from any emergency service was ever prepared for, or wished to see. Kids were always the hardest, and both medics each fought their own internal struggle to hold it together long enough to do what needed to be done. And even though it was pointless, they still managed to do what they were trained to do…, especially after looking around and seeing all the other scared children. Witnessing the horror on their sweet young faces, made something inside them say that they just couldn’t let any of those children see one of their own dead. It wasn’t until after they’d put JJ’s body in the back of the ambulance and were speeding away, that they let their emotions get the better of them.

Feeling depleted and somewhat worthless for his efforts, Cam just kinda slumped back on his knees. He wanted to scream out, to roar with the futility and the senselessness, but he couldn’t, not right then anyway. Instead he pulled his three boy’s and consequently Sam as well, into his arms as best he could. With the threat of immediate danger long past, and his immediate duties with the wounded taken from him, Cam was a little at a loss as to what to do. But he soon found that events were taking over, alleviating much of his need for concerted thought. A situation that Cam was most pleased with at that point…, after all…, if he didn’t have to think, then he didn’t have to try and come up with a way to tell his best friend that he’d lost his son forever.

While the ambulance sped away with all lights flashing, but sirens appropriately muted, Cam and his boys, with Sam in tow, were lead through the main hallway and into the teachers lounge. By the time that they were all huddled together, on a large but relatively beaten up old sofa, Sam had well and truly lost it, not too mention Carl. The boy knew what was going on, not that he wanted to admit it, he knew it was his brother, had seen him clear as day just before JJ leapt on him. He knew in his heart that it was his fault, that he was the reason Sam was wracked with sobs, balling into Corey’s shoulder, but all he could feel was numb. It’s very easy in times of extreme shock like these, to think only of one’s self, and that’s exactly what he was doing. One phrase played through his mind over and over again…, “It could have been me…,” he could think of little else.

Out of all of them, only the twins seemed to be still hanging onto some vestige of togetherness. That was of course, not counting Cam, who was almost stone like in his reserve, though he was at the same time doing everything he could to comfort anyone who needed it the most at the time. It’s always hard to tell how people will react in these kind of situations. Sure you’ll always find someone with a smart mouth who thinks they can handle anything…, but until you’re actually there…, there’s just no way to tell, and it was Dale that surprised Cam the most. Carl was nothing more than a blank shell at that moment, and Dale was doing everything he could to bring him out of it. Again, looking on, Cam had to wonder where the little boy he’d always known had gone, and where this strong young man before him had come from.

Corey though, he was another matter entirely, because he had a certain level of experience with traumatic events, that the others didn’t. It was more than likely that experience that made him Sam’s rock that day. Though it didn’t seem like much to him at the time, what he did for her that morning, would stay with her for the rest of her life. Pulling her into his arms, he held her close, whispering quiet words of comfort and love into her ear…, she still managed to find new reserves of tears every so often, but if not for Corey’s loving ministrations, things could have been a lot worse. Especially when the police arrived to take statements.

*          *          *

Several things happened while Cam, the boys, and Sam were being taken away. The school’s Principal, had been in his office talking with the local Superintendent at the time of the shooting. It was time for mid year budgets, and so he’d been there fairly early to get things ready for that call he was on. Then all hell broke loose and he discarded his call, as well as the landline, in favor of his cell so he could maintain a certain level of mobility while he called the police. Before he left the main office he placed his personal key into the emergency board and turned it, instantly putting the school on lockdown.

Though every school had prepared for this eventuality over the last few years, not one of them was really ready for it. There was panic and Chinese whispers everywhere, so much so, that by the time the principal neared the front of the building, he wasn’t sure what to believe. If the rumours were true, then his entire school was now under siege…, he certainly hoped they were wrong. Principal Weller was no fool, and certainly not fool enough to go any further than he had done, as he slipped up to the window of one the front facing classrooms.

He was also no stranger to the fear that gunfire instills in most people, but unlike those that crumbled under it’s pressure, he had a healthy respect for it, serving three tours in Vietnam will do that for you. From his hidden position, and with a practiced eye honed from his infantry training and years spent as a teacher, he assessed what he could make of the scene. From what he could tell, it was mostly over by the time he got there. Most of the children that had been outside were still cowering on the ground in huddles of two or three dotted along the path. He’d only heard the three shots, but other than the few kids now milling around aimlessly, it was impossible to tell how many had been wounded fro, where he stood.

The busses that had brought most of the children to school were still parked at the curb he saw, idling quietly, small puffs of exhaust fumes spilling out creating larger clouds of steam that drifted up into the air. Looking down he realized suddenly how close he might have been to the action, as he could see the dead body of an older boy lying on the sidewalk below his window. Looking as far down as could without loosing his cover, he could also make out what appeared to be Cameran Trevallian. He’d met the man at the career day, held a month or two before, though what he was doing there was lost on Weller. Regardless, he advised the emergency center, who was still on his phone, of what he saw in order for them to take appropriate action. He was still there watching a few minutes later when the police arrived, to slowly but surely secure the scene, and with a large sigh of relief, only then did he make his move outside.

Once the area was cleared, Weller moved over to the officer that appeared to be in charge and started to discuss his options. It was very clear to him that the school should close it’s doors for at least the next few days, but he needed permission to send the children home. Approval for that was long in coming, and it was only when the first news camera vans started to arrive that it was given to him, neither Weller nor the police wanted the children to be subjected to more stress than they had to be that day. So after herding those children that the police wanted to talk to into one of the closest classrooms, he went about evacuating the rest onto the still waiting buses and sent them on their way with the knowledge that their parents would be informed when they were to return. Those that didn’t ride the busses were given the opportunity to call someone that could come to pick them up.

*          *          *

At first the police officers tried to separate everyone, but that soon proved to be a fruitless endeavor, especially in the case of Cam’s group, when Corey kicked up a big stink and wouldn’t let go of Sam. She was a mess, anyone could see that, but then the other two boys, who were still bloody from their ordeal, weren’t that much better off. The school nurse had come into to check on them, and then came back a little while later with some cleaner clothes from lost property. Even though they now had cleaner clothes, the boys hadn’t been given the opportunity to go to the bathroom and wash, so there was still blood all over their hands and faces.

Once the two cops, that had that particular duty, saw how tightly the boys were clinging to Cam, not too mention Corey’s outbursts, they soon gave in and took up seats so that they were close enough to take down individual statements. All of it was just preliminary anyway, and given that an adult would have had to be there when the teenagers were questioned, the officers felt there wasn’t much need to exert themselves to begin with. They felt that, with trying at least, that they’d initially covered all their bases to an acceptable level.

What they did do, however, was to make sure that only one person spoke at any one time. They did it this way so they could get the most accurate picture possible. So while each of the very young teenagers regaled the officers with their own take on the emotional and harrowing tale, Cam just sat back and waited his turn to fill in the blanks. In actual fact, that didn’t even take as long as he might have originally thought, the kid’s stories seemed to mesh pretty well, and the officers seemed pretty happy with the story as it was told.

It was only when it came to Cam’s turn to speak, that the true horror was to unfold. He started with what he saw of Tony as he pulled away from the curb. The look of determination on his face, and the heavy gun in his hand. Then went on, by telling of his immediate assessment of the situation, and the action he took. Finishing with his attempts to revive poor JJ. By that stage it was all too obvious what the outcome of that had been, but for Sam’s sake, he did his best to keep most of that detail to himself, feeling that right then…, she just didn’t need to know.

Having finished with the preliminary process, the two police officers stood to leave, but before they did, they advised each and every one in the room in no uncertain terms to stay where they were. They also advised them to talk to no one until they were released, just incase their watch commander wanted to confirm anything or ask further questions. When Cam asked how long that was likely to be, he was met with a shrug and a curt, but relatively soft dismissal. When he asked if he was going to be arrested, or charged, their response was again non-committal…, to the tune of, “We’ll let you know.”

“I don’t understand Uncle Cam…, why would they arrest you…, you were only trying to protect us…, you didn’t do anything wrong!” Said a suddenly angry, yet worried Dale.

“I don’t know either Dale…, I really don’t…, they might though…, I mean…, well…”

Cam’s voice trailed off at that point, he had been about to say that ‘he had shot someone’, but it was then that he remembered just who it was that he had killed. His mind went instantly to the small and somewhat frail feeling boy at the other side of his nephew, and he just couldn’t finish his train of thought. Of course, matters weren’t helped when he felt Carl stiffen in the embrace he had them both in. Though that negative reaction didn’t last, it did have the unwelcome effect of turning Cam’s own mind against itself. As he sat there holding two of his most prized possessions for dear life, he suddenly began to second guess himself. Oh he knew he’d done the right thing, and in the end that’s all that really matters anyway, but he was still starting to wonder if he’d gone about it the right way.

With the pressure off, and the adrenaline leaving his system, he felt drained. But worse than that, he felt low…, he’d taken something from his boy…, a boy he loved dearly, like the son he could only hope he would become. But it wasn’t like he’d grounded him, taken away a privilege, or taken his favourite toy…, no, he’d taken something that was irreplaceable…, something he couldn’t give back. What was playing heavily on his mind was, would Carl hate him for it, resent him for what he had done…, or would he just further shut down like he was giving a very good impression of doing. For the first time, in a long time, Cam was scared.

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Written by bigct/Octavius

September 8, 2010 at 19:56

19 Responses

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  1. I don’t know what to say, except after reading this,I really need a hug, BAD!!!!! I’m glad (well, maybe that’s not the right word!) that Tony’s gone, because he won’t be a threat to Carl (or Dale for that matter) any more, but to take JJ out in the process, that’s more that I can handle, especially after what this last weekend was!

    I realize that bad, even horrible, things happen to good people, but I pray this will be the last for Cam’s fragile family. They’ve been through too much already! However, I can’t wait to see how this plays out! Keep them coming my dear CT, and I’ll deal with my own demons the best I can!

    Rick

    September 9, 2010 at 01:45

  2. I may be the only one to say”well done”. I will tell you again you are wasting your time with that mundane job of yours. You spread your wings and flew this chapter. As far as the character JJ, sometimes the brightest stars shine the briefest time. Yes, it’s a tradjedy a young life is lost but what a way to go.

    On a lighter side, sorry I have’nt been around lately. I kinda sorta been having a busy time here. Talk with you soon.

    Dawngreeter

    September 9, 2010 at 11:34

  3. Hey Octavius.

    Another remarkable chapter. When you were talking about the desensitization of society in the beginning, I was reminded of the TOOL song, ‘Stinkfist’.

    ” Something kinda sad about the way that things have come to be. Desensitized to everything. What became of subtlety? How can it mean anything to me if I really don’t feel anything at all? I’ll keep digging till I feel something.”

    I’ve felt for a while now that society is over-saturating people, especially kids, to the violent side of life. All day long kids play video games where they are rewarded for killing other people. I won’t rant on forever, but I like how you threw that in.

    Now, as far as JJ, I understand why you did it, yet for the first time ever, I feel I must disagree with you. I’ll admit, the thought hadn’t entered my mind until I read Richard’s comment on the last chapter. And my heart broke when I read it. I was hoping it wouldn’t play out like that, but I see that it has.

    I know he hurt you, and I can understand your pain. I don’t know if you saw my comment on Rowan’s blog, but I was really hoping you wouldn’t go this route.

    But it’s your story, I’m still addicted to it, and I’m definitely going to keep reading it. I just wanted to throw that out there.

    Hope you’re well.

    143

    _Kevin

    Kevin

    September 9, 2010 at 21:38

  4. Octavius, thanks you for killing JJ and not the other guys. Thanks for not being mean about JJ to. Richard

    Richard

    September 11, 2010 at 15:38

    • I am done reading this story too. I won’t bother you no more. Richard

      Richard

      September 12, 2010 at 06:36

      • Hey Kiddo,

        I just read your last comment, I’m really sorry you feel this way. I
        hope I didn’t upset you with what I did, I thought I explained it all.
        What I did in the story was something I felt that I needed to do, for my
        own reasons, but I certainly didn’t mean it to be seen as malicious and
        I never intended to hurt you over it. I know that it’s totally up to
        you whether you still read my story or not, I can’t make you, but I hope
        that one day you do reconsider. I also hope, though I haven’t heard
        much from you lately, that you and I can still be friends.

        Courage and Honour!

        Octavius.

        bigct

        September 12, 2010 at 08:59

      • I really don’t know what friends are any more. I lost all my friends on here. Everyone said they talk to me again. Everyone said they wanted me to do an apology. Everyone said they believe me then don’t. Everyone said to talk to them and they would talk to me back.

        I write a lot e-mails to a lot people and only 2 was really meaning what they said. Everyone else still don’t believe me. I have tried a lot to try and fix all this but no one cares no more.

        I have lost all my friends because i was stupid and thought i had to be someone for them to even talk to me. Now no one believes me on anything I say. Only 2 people believe me and all the rest of you guys say you do but really you don’t. I told the truth on my apology on Pauls blog. But all anyone said was now i am wanting everyone to feel sorry for me. And that i am now lieing again. What i said on Pauls blog is true. A lot things i said in my blog was true to.

        The way i talked to people when we talked was me to. I am so sorry i did all this but no one wants me to try and fix it. they say they do but then all they want me to do is tell me everything about me and then when i did they say i am lieing. I can’t keep doing this.

        Octavius If you still want to be my friend i let you. then maybe i have 3 that believe me. All i want is for all this to just stop. You all make me feel like i am a really bad person and i am really not a bad person. I messed up but i really didn’t think i was doing this bad. You have all told me and called me some really bad things.

        I am sorry and i don’t know how many times it going to take me to say I am sorry before anyone will believe me. I really did like it at rent boys, but i can’t even go there no more because all the things they say to me there. They tell me to do some things but i know that if i even make a comment on rent boys it just all going to start all over. I wrote to Tristan to and i didn’t even get anything back. I really am sorry Tristan i messed up your blog. you can delete everything i said there.

        I am sorry Octavius, i just dont know what else to do. I have tried and everyone says i havent. I had a lot friends on here and i have wrote about 40 different e-mails to people and i only got 6 people to send me something back. I didn’t get nothing from any the others and they were all the people that told me to write to them and they would write me back. I am really sorry.

        I will write to you Octavius and tell you my e-mail. I turned the other one off because i was get bad stuff again. But i am done trying to make this all good. No one wants me to make it good no more. they just want me to always feel bad for what i did. I understand. Richard

        Richard

        September 13, 2010 at 09:43

      • I am sorry that it had to be that way on the story, but as far as i’m concerned, you’ll always be welcome there. If you cop any grief over comments or whatever, just let me know, ok? Dude, I care about you, always have, I don’t know how many times I have to say it, but i’ll keep saying it until you believe me.

        Paddy/Octavius.

        bigct

        September 13, 2010 at 11:51

  5. Well I”m not angry at you for what you did. Granted be, it did not affect me that much. I read your apology on paul’s blog and understand. You made an honest mistake. It will not be the last one you make in your life. Go to Youtube, punch in Billy Joel’s “Second Wind-Your’re Only Human”and watch the video and listen to the words of the song. Maybe this will relate what Paddy is trying to tell you. It takes a certain measure of maturity to forgive. It takes a certain measure of maturity to admit a wrong and make it right. Understand too Richard, Paddy is/was not upset with you: just what you did. If you need to talk with someone who was apart from this and can both give you a fresh point of view and be your friend going forward Paddy can send you my e-mail address. You have my permission, Paddy. Let me give you some of that fresh point of view. JJ was a work of fiction on your part, true. ALL FICTION HAS A BIT OF TRUTH IN IT. The characters in this story are based on real people to a certain degree. Parts of your “made up” JJ contain parts of the real Richard. Give people a chance to know the real Richard and see where it goes. The others, well to paraphrase the Celtic song Caledonia, “Lost some friends that needed losing, found some more on the way…” That is life. You lose people on the way and others find you. Hugs to you Richard. They’re are some of us out here thinking of you… and not in a bad way. 🙂

    Dawngreeter

    September 13, 2010 at 16:23

  6. Richard,
    I spent 2-1/2 weeks trying to help you, but you got mad and cut me off. I really don’t understand why. You know my email address. I am still willing to help if you want it. Send me an email if you want to continue.
    Brian

    Brian

    September 15, 2010 at 07:50

    • I really did try to talk to you but you don’t believe me no more. Richard

      Richard

      September 18, 2010 at 11:25

      • I’d like to believe you but you won’t help any with that. Brian

        Brian

        September 18, 2010 at 11:32

  7. Richard….I’m a real outsider on all that happened with you online. I’ve followed it only in passing and looking back at it. I think I understand what and why you did it. It hits home for me because about 7 or 8 years ago I did something very similar and made up a whole online persona and sucked a person into it. Ultimately we remained friends after he found out my deception but I hurt him deeply by playing him. There was no need for the deception but at the time I thought it was the only way he would like me. It was a cry for attention on my part to try to fill a need for friendship and I didn’t believe he would like me for me, that I wasn’t good enough. I still struggle with me feeling that I am good enough but I am working on that. So if you need a shoulder to cry on or just to understand you please feel free. I believe Paddy has my email because of this posting and I too give him permission to pass it on to you Richard.

    Paddy/Octavius…Great Story…Want more….I understand what you did in the story and your need to do it…It was sad but I think you handled it well. Although you killed off JJ you killed him off as a tragic hero, he saved the others so deep down you honored the memory of who JJ could have been.

    mark

    September 16, 2010 at 05:03

  8. CT have been back and red this chapter a few times and the comments but have found it very hard to leave a comment – it hurt bad enough that we lost JJ the first time but to have this character killed of churned my insides even though it was done with dignity. I can’t recall having ever been mean in any comments that I posted through the whole affair – I have always felt every one deserves a second chance – can’t think of any of us that have not stuffed up at some time in life and been forgiven – maybe not by every one but usually by the ones that matter most.We do however have to wear it and learn to get on with life and put the bad behind us.
    So to you Richard you only ever wrote about love and caring, for that I can’t and don’t bear you any ill will.
    CT I may not be thrilled by what happened in this chapter but I do love this story and have been hooked since the first chapter.
    Regards Stef

    Stef

    September 16, 2010 at 13:46

    • Stef. I talked to Octavius before he killed JJ. I wanted that and not have Carl or one the twins killed. I knew he was going to do it and it is ok. Thanks for what you said about me. I really didn’t want hurt no one. Richard

      Richard

      September 18, 2010 at 11:24

  9. Ok guys, this has gone on long enough I think. I totally respect your rite to have an opinion on whatever, but the comment section of one of my chapters is not the right place. If you need somewhere to talk to each other, please use the discussion page, that’s what it’s there for.

    Don’t want to be all grumpy bear, but I felt it was time to say something, because I really don’t want to go down the route of having to vet every comment made, it’s tedious and insulting to the reader making the comment.

    CT/Octavius.

    bigct

    September 18, 2010 at 11:39

    • I am really sorry you can delete any mine you want. Richard.

      Richard

      September 18, 2010 at 13:54

  10. Hey CT ,
    I hope that you have not given up on this story. I enjoy the way you wright , but most of all , would like to see what happens next.

    Daniel

    Daniel

    October 20, 2010 at 10:00

  11. Well Octo I am still reading all of this story but with school there is alot of times I cant read for over a week. This story is so amazing and I realy do love it so much. This chapter wow! All of this I never knew about it before. It is so crazy in my head right now. It feels like someone draged me back to last year and my head and heart are on fire. Very powerful Octo. Miss you. Your friend DJ

    DJ

    April 9, 2011 at 16:27


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