The Sailor's Stories

2056 Cahpter ten – Book II

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Corey had made it all the way to his room before he felt totally safe. Events from the day before plagued his mind, causing him a great deal of anxiety…, and that conversation had gotten dangerously close to making him spill something he may have regretted later. The problem was, was that as good as he’d felt at the time, he just wasn’t so sure that’s how he felt about it now. What happened that day should have been, well to his fourteen year old mind and body at least, the crowning achievement of his young life…, his final step into manhood…, but the day after, he wasn’t just having second thoughts…, he was onto his third and even fourth. So much so, that it really was driving him insane.

Much to his shock, and immediate horror at the time, he hadn’t even planned the event. It’s not that he didn’t want it…, he just felt that he didn’t want it yet. Unfortunately though, one thing was indelibly proven to Corey on that fateful day…, and that is quite simply…, ‘You can’t fuck with plot!’, or at least that’s how he’d felt at the time, as one more chapter in his life ended. The whole thing was something that just happened, or more likely spiraled out of control, from something that had started out as innocently as two young people kissing and enjoying a perhaps, too comfortable embrace. When it was all over, though it was the most incredible feeling to date, when it was over, was when the guilt set in.

At first, once the shock of what was happening wore off, Corey was having an unbelievable time. The sights, the sounds, the smells and feelings…, but most especially, the knowledge of actually “Connecting” with something other than his fist…, was alone, enough to amplify, what he thought of as regular sexual feelings, though sadly, to a far too early orgasm. But the actual sensation, the actual feel of his boyhood sliding into another living person…, into a tight and barely accommodating orifice…, it was too much, in fact it was way too much for his fourteen year old mind to wrap itself around.

That’s where the guilt came from…, though what he was guilty of, he wasn’t quite sure at the time…, suffice it to say, it certainly took the edge off of what should have been an incredible experience for both of them. While all those thoughts and feelings played out in his head, there was a desperate fight within the boy…, a war really…, that raged inside his mind. He knew he had deep feelings for Sam, but at the same time, he felt that what they were doing…, albeit completely consensual…, was somehow cheapening the whole experience for him. He even considered stopping, was almost sure he could, but looking into the face of the girl he loved, his animal brain took well and truly over, and there was no going back.

From that point on his instincts, bred by a more primordial nature, fueled his eager boyhood, his only just mature balls struggling to make the necessary ammunition to complete the task at hand. He was still at war within himself…, though now it was a war to maintain control, though this time it was his tattered mind that was to be the battlefield. He was trying desperately to push his thoughts into the back of his head, while at the same time get as much enjoyment as he could out of the event…, given the circumstances…, to contain the rush of invaders needing to get to the ‘Holy Grail’ of orgasm. Sadly, as far as most first times go, this was no different…, it was a losing battle…, ultimately. And by the end, poor Corey was wearing himself out with it, but still gaining power in the thrusts that would very soon take him to his nirvana.

At the end, when lying together holding the hand of the girl he’d just shared his first real experience with, all those guilt ridden feelings and emotions rushed back in like the ever present tide and he instantly felt sick to his stomach. The very real feeling of needing to vomit, also brought a considerable amount of shame. This in turn was not at all helped by the expectant but loving smile on Sam’s face. Thinking he could take no more of her scrutiny, he mumbled something like “I need to pee…” and made a made dash for the bathroom. It was there, that he started to cry, and as he did, he did his best to wash out all those feelings of disgust and self loathing.

Staring at himself in the mirror, once the worst of his tears had passed, he thought he finally had it figured out. His first time should have been something more, sure…, he was a teenage boy…, and as a teenage boy there was no denying, that once it started, he had wanted it. He just wanted it to be special, not some afternoon romp while he had the time free of parental supervision…, those were supposed to come after the big one. That’s why he felt so guilty. In his mind, Corey knew that he’d taken something far worse from Sam, let alone himself that afternoon. He’d allowed himself to be swept up in the moment, a moment that should have been all about romantic dinners for two, roses, candles…, and all the good things that would have made that moment special.

That night, in fact starting that very afternoon, Corey tried his damnedest to make it up to both of them, as it would later turn out…, by then it was far too late, the moment had passed, and he could never get it back again…, not that he didn’t try. Being Dale’s twin, in his heart, Corey was no different than his brother…, they were both hopeless romantics. Wiping his eyes, on the cleanest face cloth he could find, he went to the shower and set the temperature just right, before going to retrieve his girl. There was no more play, just gentle and tender ministrations. After the shower, he called a cab and took her out, they started with a bit of shopping, then a movie…, an uncharacteristic romantic comedy that they both secretly loved. The whole evening culminating in that romantic dinner for two, at the best restaurant his allowance could afford.

That was in the past though, now in the clear light of the following day, the guilt was back and the shame was following rapidly on it’s coattails. When he’d dropped her off at her door the night before, she’d leaned in to kiss him. Though he’d tried his best to be into it, on Corey’s part, the kiss was nothing more than a mechanical reaction to the situation. When they broke apart, she whispered the words he was expecting, but at the same time dreaded to hear…, ‘I love you’. Those three little words, were enough to give an instant gut wrenching feeling of terror suffusing his small teen frame. Then to see the look on her face, the look of anguished hope in a desperate fight with finality, it was all he could do to mumble his reply. He did love her…, that he knew…, but unlike what Sam felt, he just wasn’t sure if he was ‘In Love’ with her.

By the time he heard his brother chasing Carl up the back stairs, he was getting desperate. He’d just checked his phone, the one that he’d intentionally left in his room before going down to breakfast, there was five messages there already…, he hadn’t read them but he just knew what they were going to say. He needed to think this through, but what’s more, he needed to talk it out with someone…, and that someone was his brother. Thinking there was no time like the present, he poked his head out of his door, just as the other two were rounding the corner into sight…

“Bro…, I need your help with something…, can I borrow you for a minute?”

The ‘you’ wasn’t lost on either of the other two, and Dale turned slightly to his boyfriend, to look into his eyes, seeking some understanding there. Carl did understand, and gave a gentle almost imperceptible nod. Dale then turned back to Corey and said…


“Um…, in here…” Corey said, retreating back inside his room.

Dale followed, and once inside, turned to see Corey shutting the door, just after Carl walked past. When he saw his brother twist the lock, he was instantly intrigued…

“Dude…, what’s this all about…?”

“Take a seat and I’ll tell you…, I really need some advice…, but first let me tell you why…, I got laid yesterday…”

Dale was in a brief state of shock, while Corey laid it all out for him, feeling sure that he would understand, other than who they choose to love, the two weren’t that much different at all. He did however, leave out most of the gory details, a fact which later, Dale most certainly appreciated. But for now, after the shock had left him, Dale was completely passive, not even showing the slightest hint of emotion as his brother told the whole sordid story. During the telling, he’d pulled his desk chair over to the bed, so he could look his brother in the eye, and when he finished, he just sat there expectantly for what he hoped would be the very sage advice he was used too.

Since he didn’t want what he said to be taken the wrong way, Dale thought out his response very carefully and took a minute before he answered. He certainly didn’t want to hurt his brother’s feelings or discourage Corey from coming to him about other things later. Finally though, having thoroughly thought it through, he felt ready to answer him.

“Dude…, first of all…, are you really sure you were ready for this? … People should be in love with the one they give themselves to…, especially the first time…, and to be fair…, you really don’t sound like you are…, this is a really big step you know?”

“I know and I know I love her…, I dunno how much…, but it’s pretty deep…, but that’s the problem…, I just don’t know if I’m IN love with her…, I’m not even sure what that really even means…” Corey responded with a thoughtful stare, but not a little confused.

“Dude…, I can tell you this…, I read a book last summer…, in it, it said that love…, true love…, as opposed to romantic love…, is a function of the soul…,” Seeing the deep look of confusion on his brother’s face, he decided to clear it up a little…, “Look bro…, it’s like this…, it said that romantic love is commonly expressed with the only real things we have at hand…, our sexual potency…, it means boners…”

“I know what potency means dude…” Corey said, but couldn’t quite hide the blush he was feeling.

“Sure you do…,” Dale replied, doing his best to stifle the chuckle he felt at making his brother squirm a little…, “But anyway…, at its root is the operation of the soul…, true love…, on the other hand…, is the ability of two souls to unite with each other…, to become one in such a way that nothing could tear them apart…”

“What’s the difference?” he asked, sincerely, with an uncomprehending expression covering his face. “I do love her…, I know it…, I can feel it in my heart…”

“Yeah dude…, I’m really sure you do…, but I don’t think you’re IN love with Sam…, not yet anyway…, or at least that’s what I get from what you’ve said already…, that’s the difference…” Dale corrected him.  “To go all the way…, to commit yourself to the ultimate act of love…, I really feel you should be IN love with the person you’re doing it to.”

“Is that how you feel about Carl?”

“Shit yeah dude! … I love him so much…, when we’re together it’s like we’re one person…, and when we’re apart…, well…, it just really hurts…, and it’s kinda depressing…, you know?”

“No…, not really…, no…, I do miss her all the time…, but I don’t think I feel that strongly…”

Dale could see that he was finally getting it, and started to feel really bad for his brother. So much so, that he could feel himself start to tear up a little. Looking at his brother was like looking at a mirror, the two were so similar. At once Dale could see the hurt that his brother felt, the sense of betrayal he was feeling…, it was almost too much, but just as quickly he remembered something that just might help…

“Do you remember that talk we had with Uncle Cam…, you know…, when we started puberty…?”

“Yeah kinda…”

“Well…, do you remember what he said about love…?”

“Sorta…, but not really…”

“Ok…, well…, he said that throughout our lives we’ll love many people…., we’ll love each other, other relatives and even some friends…, there’ll also be others that we’ll love too…, but when we’re IN love…, that means we’ll love the other person so deeply that we’re willing to commit ourselves totally to them and them alone…”

Dale paused briefly, firstly to catch his breath, but more importantly to make sure that his brother was listening. When he looked, he was pretty sure he had him in rapt attention, so he pushed on…

“This means we won’t just casually love them…, but we’ll want to be with them as much as possible…, to share our entire life with them in every meaningful way and we’ll do anything in our power to ensure that person’s happiness.”

“I do remember that bit…, god! … I’ve fucked this all up so badly…”

“Hey dude…, don’t beat yourself up so much…, she was here to you know? … She could have said no at any time and you would’a stopped…, right…?”

“Yeah man…, I’m not like that…, of course I would!” Corey said, with a little anger tingeing his voice, hoping against hope that he was right.

This was crunch time for Dale, he loved his brother dearly, and he felt that this was turning into a guilt trip. That’s definitely not where he’d started to go, but it was certainly sounding like it. He still needed to push his point home a little deeper, but he could see that Corey was starting to get a little angry about the whole thing, and needed to calm him down so that he could think rationally about this. So, after giving him some time to do this, he tried a slightly different tack…

“Look dude…, all that all means is that it’s a big commitment…, so you have to be sure when you do it…, honestly…, if more people understood the depth of that commitment then maybe less relationships would end prematurely.”

“Wow dude…, you make it sound like such a big deal.” Corey stated, a little more sarcastically than he meant too.

“It is a big deal…, and I know you know it…” Dale emphasized…, “Dude…, it’s different for everybody…, but having sex isn’t like playing ball…, you don’t just grab a friend and go out and do it…, it should be done with someone you really love…, you can experiment all you like…, but to give yourself completely like that…, should only be done with love.”

“I dunno man…, I do love her…, but I feel ashamed of myself…, like I betrayed her or something…, you know?”

The look in his eyes right then, was the most painful he’d ever seen his brother make. Even more than when he was ten and thought he could fly…, of course most little boys can’t fly all by themselves, and Corey very quickly found that out when he’d jumped off the roof and broke his leg in three places. Dale thought, well probably more hoped he’d never have to see that kind of pain again. The really sad thing was…, what he saw in his brother’s eyes just then was so totally worse.

“I guess I would have to say yes to that question…,” He informed him… “Although I don’t know exactly how you feel…, I think I can imagine…, too bad for us that we were both raised with an old-fashioned and outdated view of morality…, huh?”

“You got that right dude…, but I don’t blame mom and dad…, or Uncle Cam…, they all just did what they thought was right…, nope…, this was all me…, I told you I didn’t plan it that way…, but when I started to get into it…, well…, I really liked it…,” Corey said, looking back at Dale to gauge his expression…, “ I still feel like I robbed us both of something special…, it was all really good…, and it felt great…, like…, WOW! …, but in the end it wasn’t special…, to either of us I think…, but then…, when I do fall in love…, and I really hope it is with Sam…, at least I’ll know what I’m doing…”

Dale did have to agree that he had a point worth considering there, and he laughed with his brother’s desperate attempt at making the joke because of it. He could clearly remember his first time with Carl…, it was so awkward and he was more than just inept. At first Carl was really tight and they didn’t really know about the proper use of lubricants, so he hurt him and worse than Carl let him know at the time. It was only the love they felt for each other that saved the moment…, and made the experience bearable…, so maybe he did have a really valid point. There was no way he was going to tell his brother any of that though…, some things are best kept secret.

What he did do, however, was stand…, and when his brother didn’t follow, Dale made him, pulling him into a tight embrace. It was clear to see, by anybody that bothered to look, that those two boys loved and cared for each other very deeply. But it had been too long since they’d shared a moment quite like the one they were having. However, Dale wasn’t quite finished yet…

“Dude…, I’m not judging you…, and I don’t blame you for anything…, I know you love Sam…, and I really do hope you fall in love with her too…, but in the end…, it’s your body…, only you can decide what you do with it…”

“Thanks bro…, you’ve given me a lot to think about…, but I think I’d like to be alone for a while…, ok?” Corey said.

“You sure you’re ok?”

“Yeah dude…, I think I am now…, thanks…”

“Anytime…” Dale said, as he let his brother go and headed out the door.

For the rest of the afternoon, and even well into the evening, all three boys went through their own preparations, mental or otherwise, for returning to school. Corey still had some homework to do, and though he did his best, he just couldn’t really find the concentration he needed to do the work properly. By the time he crawled into bed, he still hadn’t responded to any of Sam’s messages. Tomorrow would be soon enough, she just wanted to talk, that he was sure of…, but he wasn’t ready for that talk. And even though he knew it wasn’t the best way to go about it, he decided to wait, till he saw at their usual meeting place outside school the next morning.

Carl’s feelings of dread and despair, never did quite leave him throughout the day. But, by the time he slipped into bed with his boy…, he was able to push much of what he was feeling to the back of his mind and just enjoy the moment. Tomorrow, he knew, would be a whole new day, he just had to get through it, then the next one…, then the next. Though he didn’t want it too, sleep was creeping up on him, and he went out for the day just the same as came into it…, staring deep into those beautiful green eyes of the boy he loved.

*          *          *

Icy swirls had started to form on the glass in front of him over the last few minutes, spanning out and crisscrossing like thousands of tiny spider webs, adding further credence to the cold he was feeling. The patterns being formed were rather pretty actually, or at least, he thought so…, and served as a decent distraction to the below freezing temperatures. With a childlike sense of curiosity, he reached out a tentative finger and lightly traced the very edges of the closest one. Watching intently, he saw the heat dissipating from his body slowly starting to change it’s structure…, altering the flow ever so slightly, causing a few new branches to form. Awestruck for just the quickest of moments, before reality and the ever present cold broke through, forcing him to pull his hand back under the blanket he was huddled beneath.

Outside it had started snowing again, soft wet slushy snow, the type of snow that sticks to every surface it comes in contact with. It was all he could do to stay conscious…, god he was so cold…, so tired, the wind pushing itself through the nearby trees, causing them to creak and sway like a metronome. As he listened he could feel his heartbeats slowly come into a steady rhythm with the limbs, making him even more sleepy through the monotony of it.

Huddling closer to himself, he pulled that old worn blanket, that he’d found in the trunk, as close to his body as he could in his best effort to stave off the cold that threatened to steal the very breath from his lungs. Breath that was getting harder and harder to take each time. Breath that was adding an increasing amount of fuel to the intricate little patterns spreading further out in ever growing circles. It was like he could feel his body slow down, creep ever so slowly to that final stand still. As he sat there, in a near hallucinatory state, he began to wonder if this was how cryogenics felt.

He’d started the car several times in the last few hours, and again for a few minutes earlier on, but only so he could run the windscreen wipers. Unfortunately, he’d had to shut the engine off again quickly, so the heater had no chance to even move the air around inside the car. One that was feeling more and more like a coffin with every minute that passed, but he had to preserve all the gas he could. There might be a long journey ahead, a journey that may prove to be his last, but a journey he had to take none the less…, his honor would not allow him any other course.

Of course, the cold did have one benefit…, it kept the smell down. He’d never been one for poor hygiene, but he’d been on the run now for the better part of three days, and hadn’t risked getting a motel room yet. Just yesterday he’d noticed a discarded copy of the local rag sitting in a trashcan, to his horror and great dismay…, he saw his face on the front page. Missing it said…, he wasn’t missing…, he knew exactly where he was…, right now he was sitting in a freezing cold car, across the street from a place he knew particularly well. Though was it his final destination, or was it the start of his journey…, he was so cold and tired, he couldn’t even remember now. All he knew, was that this destination, was sure to make or break him as a man.

He’d finally gotten back into town late last night, there was no way he was going to risk getting caught or found, so he’d made his way to where he was, with as much alacrity and legerdemain as he could muster, in a beat up old ’78 Chevy. The car itself had been powder blue at one point, but had faded to a mostly pale kind of milky off white. If he’d paid better attention, he may have just realized that that was perfect camouflage for where he was…, sadly though, he hadn’t thought his plan all the way through, and that particular thought had never actually crossed his mind.

Startled by some unknown noise, he was jolted awake, only to be greeted by the somewhat early morning sun streaming through the windows, slowly melting the ice that had collected there over night. The sun hadn’t reached him though, he was sore and stiff from the sitting position he’d slept in, not to mention the cold that had surrounded and permeated his very core. Looking at his watch, he knew his time was rapidly approaching, but he still had some left…, still had time to prepare.

Reaching into the glove box, he pulled out the paper bag, it was heavy in his hand, but to his mild surprise it felt even heavier in his heart. Could he actually do this, he thought…, he was pretty damn sure he could yesterday, when he’d purchased the cold hard steel he was hefting in his hand. Now for some reason, he just wasn’t so sure…, too late though, that disgusting fat prick, probably still lying on the floor of his pathetic pawn shop was testament to that.

Up until he’d pulled the trigger on the man, he didn’t know if he could kill, but he’d not had enough money, and what the guy offered in trade had made him sick to his stomach. In the end, as far as he was concerned, he really had little option. So he’d pulled one of the shiny brass shells from the box on the counter, still making small talk, still letting the fat man think he was gonna play…, ‘Just checking the action’, was what he said…, ‘Faggot’ was the last thing the fat man heard before the hammer fell.

He knew a thing or two about guns, having a Marine for a father will do that. He also knew a thing or two about metal, and since the gun had been sitting in the cold all night, he was concerned it might have warped. He was only gonna get one chance at this, so he wanted everything to be perfect. Leaning over, he fumbled with the keys in the ignition for a few seconds, the engine grinding on a frozen fuel air mixture, before finally it caught. Wheezing and coughing like the old man it was, in the cold, after a few minutes the engine was not running too bad. Though his gloves didn’t help, he managed to get the heater going, and held his gun laden hands over the outlet…, may as well do both at the same time, he thought.

The car had been running for over half an hour, by the time he started to see movement. Big yellow buses, buses he knew so well had started to arrive, disgorging their human cargo before pulling off to make room for those behind them. He’d never ridden the bus, and neither had his prey…, he’d had to walk…, but now his prey was dropped off by the navy guy. He was warming up, and because of it, he was starting to think a little clearer. Everything was falling into place, and now he knew in himself that what he was doing was right, for him…, for his dad…, for his family…, and if that guy got in the way…, well, he’d just do him too.

His chance arrived about ten minutes later. The first sign was a brief glimpse in the rear view mirror. He spotted the red jeep as it was making it’s way towards the front door and followed it in all the way. Obviously they couldn’t get a park close enough, as they swung around for another pass, before pulling in to the curb about twenty feet ahead of him.

This is it, he thought…, it’s now or never.

He was a righteous avenging angel as he climbed from the Chevy, and started walking. By the time he’d made five steps his shoes and lower legs were soaked through, but he didn’t care…, he was full of the fire that only hate brings. Every step he took brought him closer to his target, to his redemption…, he was so close, close enough to pull the six shot .357 snub nose out of his jacket. He kept it at his side though, to avoid panic, he was close, but he wanted to be closer, wanted to see his prey’s eyes…, his soon to be dead brother’s eyes.

They were almost at the door now, though they were no longer alone, there was another kid, and a girl…, a girl…, and she was hugging them all, but she stayed with Corey…, maybe Corey wasn’t a fag like his brother, he thought…, that’s good…, I always liked him. Besides, he realized…, he couldn’t kill them all…, he only had six shots. It was brother he wanted…, he didn’t really care about the rest…, but Carl had to die.

Knowing that it was now or never, he raised his arm and took aim, before screaming at the top of his lungs…, “BURN IN HELL FAG!”

Panic broke loose, kids screaming and running in all directions, as soon as the first shot rang out, echoing against the cold hard red brick of the middle school. There were only three all told, though anyone with a good ear, would have been able to tell the difference between the second and third. Cam had seen what was going to happen, but much to his dismay, had caught it far too late, he was already heading back into traffic when he saw Carl’s brother Tony walking towards the boys.

Slamming his foot on the break, he near leapt from the Jeep, pulling his pistol case from under his seat. He’d been going to spend some time on the range that day, so it was lucky that he had it, not that he was thinking that at the time. In fact, the only thing on his mind was getting into a position to save his boys. He was too late though, by the time he managed to draw a bead on Tony, the boy had already fired twice. Cam’s heart sank into the pit of his stomach as he stared impotently on the prone figures, where his boys had been standing mere moments before. His professional detachment kicked in, and he once again drew a line on Tony…, all he needed was a single pull of the trigger.


Written by bigct/Octavius

August 21, 2010 at 22:51

4 Responses

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  1. I don’t know what to say. For once I’m speechless. Loved the first part of the chapter. I knew it was only a matter of time that is was going to happen. As for the the second half…all I can say is the next chapter better come pretty damn fast! You know how I feel about situations like this, and will most definitely worry about it until the next post. This brings back tearful memories of Mathew Sheppard, only with a twist. I only beg of you this, please don’t let anyone die, except for those that deserve to!


    August 22, 2010 at 00:29

  2. So, you writing a story about Cam and the boys or are you writing a story about the Kennedys… Seriously, this was really a well written chapter. You have a gift for this CT. Keep it up.. and.. whether the boys survive or not is ultimately up to you. Cheers mate


    August 22, 2010 at 03:26

  3. CT I can’t lie – I can’t bear it after so much love and warmth the last part of this chapter tore my heart out – even more so not knowing.
    You have me on tenderhooks till the next chapter.
    Waiting with much anticipation Stef


    August 24, 2010 at 13:25

  4. You have been saying you wanted to kill me in your book. I know JJ was Sams brother and if she was there i hope JJ is there to. Kill him and not the others. Richard


    August 27, 2010 at 17:19

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