2058 Chapter twelve – Book II

Darkness crept slowly across the sky, pushing away the last vestiges of the incredibly sunny day with an almost insidious manner, all the while, the late winter and unseasonably warm sun sank lower and lower behind the far off horizon. In it’s descent, the sun cast a strong striking mirror image of itself across the placid waters further out to sea. That night there was little in the way of light pollution, giving nature the perfect opportunity to show it’s boundless beauty. Though now with the steady tendrils of night taking their hold over the sky, several stars were starting to poke their way through the darkness, like the eyes of countless protectors just waking up to their duty.

A duty that a small boy sitting with his back to a tree at the edge of the small but sandy beach, could well appreciate. While he sat there pondering his many fortunes, he couldn’t help but linger morosely over the many more misfortunes that had surrounded his very being in the last few weeks. Yes he was fortunate, he had many things in his life that few others had, he had true love, he had a family that cared loved and protected him, he lived in a nice home with all the things he could ever need or want…

But at the same time, he just couldn’t get past this mess his life had become lately. Even the solitude of the moment was doing little to comfort him, but strangely, as so often happened these days, it was him that had sought it out. He could feel it coming, one moment there was not a care in the world, he could be sitting with a wry smile, wondering what was going through the head of his lover. Or just sitting quietly with a good book, even sitting at his laptop doing things he probably shouldn’t have been doing, then it would hit him.

He couldn’t stop himself, every time something went right for him, every time he started to feel good again, his mind would take him straight back to that day almost two weeks ago and he’d start to feel it deep inside him. Feel all the anger hurt and pain that was never too far from the surface, rumble around within his very soul, at those times he had to get away. He had to, he couldn’t let anyone see him in such a state, not even those he loved.

This time was no different, he’d been getting his clothes ready to go back to school the next day, and he realised that it was almost two weeks to the day that his life had taken a drastically wrong turn. Standing beside the bed he shared with his lover, he froze, the memory of that cold winters morning flooding through his mind. Then a sickly hot rush cascaded over his body, a rush that pricked him in every place that was uncomfortable, like running through a dense patch of bramble bushes. With his mind still reeling from those feelings, he started to feel the walls collapse in on top of him and he had to escape.

As he ran from the house, he’d pulled on the hoodie that he’d been holding when it all started, even then he knew he wasn’t dressed to be outside, wearing only a pair of jeans a t-shirt and some sneakers, but he didn’t care. Right now his body was still warm, and all he could think of was escape.  He didn’t even hear the startled cry of his lover, as he’d ran from the room. And run he did, his legs pumping out a staccato rhythm to match that of the rapid beats of his frightened and confused heart. All the way to his most favourite spot he ran, that spot he was now in, resting his back against his favourite tree…

His thoughts now threatening to boil over, growing ever closer to the surface of his frayed being, he felt the shudder that would soon consume him. Building up from the back of his tummy, when it reached the full bodied stage, that’s when the tears would come and his emotions simply overflowed as he knew they would. Like a well rehearsed ballet, his face fell into his already cupped and waiting hands as he wept again for the countless of times. Pulling his legs in close and tight like a ball, he prayed this would be the last time, hoping that this time he would be able to get it all out, but knowing in his very soul he had so many more steps to take on the road to healing and forgiveness.

He was starting school again tomorrow, that’s what had done it this time, the mere thought of having to return to that place where it had happened. Where to him at least, his life had changed forever. No longer was he just the youngest Sommers boy, the one that had followed all those others, the one that was good with his work and ok at sports. The one that was almost always overlooked… He was happy in his anonymity, but he knew that he wouldn’t be overlooked any more. Now he was the brother of the boy that had attempted to murder him on the very steps of a place that should have protected him. The brother of the boy that had screamed out “DIE FAGGOT” as he unloaded his pistol into the back of a boy that could have been one of his best friends. People would see it on his face, they’d be scared of him he was sure and they’d know why he hadn’t been in school.

Dale and Corey had gone back the week before, but Cam had kept Carl out longer because he simply wasn’t handling everything as well as the other two, though mostly because Carl had asked him to. He’d been back very briefly to attend JJ’s memorial service that the school held in the auditorium, but Cam had taken him out of there pretty quickly afterwards. Maybe if he’d been able to attend the boy’s funeral he would have felt better about it all, but he couldn’t, in his grief Caleb Green had resigned from the Navy, and taken his whole family back to Texas, where they had laid JJ’s body to rest in the family cemetery. For some strange reason that he couldn’t quite put his finger on, his friend, and of course now cousin, Corey had seemed somewhat relieved by that fact.

Not that that mattered much now, because Cam had only given him that extra week, there was no way that he could get him to budge on that, no matter how hard he tried. And as the days had gone by, he could feel his anxiety levels grow more and more. A fact which wasn’t helped the day before when Dale had said their secret was out as well now. He said it wasn’t so bad, but Carl wasn’t so sure about that, the face of his lover had said something else to him. There was a kind of pain on his face when Dale had told him yesterday, a pain that he was desperately trying to hide in order to protect the boy he loved… Dale just wasn’t as good at hiding things like Carl was.

There was a new concern he hadn’t even considered, and one he wasn’t at all ready for. What it would be like, he had absolutely no idea, though his mind tortured him with flashes and images of the many possibilities. It was starting to get cold so he lit a small fire to warm his hands and feet against, that’s when he finally noticed the sun as it slipped completely below the horizon. Suddenly feeling tired, he realised he’d been out for hours and though he knew he should have headed home, he decided he’d just lay down to rest for a bit and enjoy the fire. Carl must have been more worn out than he thought, as he drifted off to sleep before he could stop himself.

Stuck in his mind were those torturous questions and doubts, giving him some very sour dreams of pain and ridicule as he slept fitfully. Tossing and wriggling against the sand, he started to feel like he was being suffocated, like something was constricting his chest, and in a sudden belt of extreme fear he was startled awake. For a moment, still stuck in that near impregnable haze of sleep he thought he was still dreaming, when the tightness on his chest held him firm. It wasn’t until the soft subtle soothing sounds penetrated the fog and entered his hearing that he realised he wasn’t alone, and there was a blanket covering him and whoever it was behind him…

As that realisation took hold, and he became more aware of his surroundings, he felt the fear rushing back in like the night tide he could see creep ever closer. Fear wasn’t what really bothered him right now though, he could almost handle that, no what bothered him the most was his supreme stupidity. His complete lack of concern for himself, that had placed him in this very vulnerable position. He could feel the warmth from the body pressed up close behind him, the warm breath on the back of his neck that made the little hairs there rise up on end, the small but strong arm that held him tight across his slim but muscular torso…

“That arm is pretty small, maybe someone my age… oh fuck!… what if it’s Charlie?” Carl thought to himself, and in so doing his body tensed up, becoming stiff as a board.

Charlie had been coming round a lot lately, and that scared poor Carl even more. He was never threatening, in fact Charlie always seemed to be really sorry about everything. He’d tried to talk to Carl so many times, but he never made it past Cam or one of the other boys.

“Sshhh… its ok baby… I’m here…”

“Baby?… who calls me ba…” He thought, then it dawned on him, “Dale?”

“Who else doofus?”

Carl felt the arm on his chest relax, just as he felt the body behind him shake a little in a mirth felt giggle…

“Who did you think it was… the easter bunny?” Dale was laughing almost full blown now.

“Ah… no… the easter bunny wouldn’t have a stiffy stabbing me in the butt!”

“Hey!… I can’t help it if you’re so hot… I get excited.”

“You scared the shit out of me!… but I kinda like this…” Carl said, as he pushed himself slowly back against his lover.

“Sorry… I…”

“What’re you sorry for?”

“Scaring you…”

“So not for this then…” Carl pushed himself back a little further.

“Never for that…” Dale said behind a small rush of giggles, “But I am sorry… I knew you’d be out here somewhere, and when it started to get dark and you hadn’t come back I thought you might be hurt or something… so I brought this blanket with me to keep you warm… then when I found you asleep I just didn’t have the heart to wake you… so I wrapped us both up and here we are.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re so totally welcome… but now you’re awake we really should head inside… it’s too cold out here.” Dale replied, as a small shudder slid through his body.

Carl gave no other sign of agreement but a simple nod. Getting up, he reached down taking Dale’s hand, to help him to his feet, before he turned to kick sand over what was left of the fire.  Still wrapped in the blanket that Dale had thrown over both of their shoulders, they walked cuddled together up to the house and then to their bedroom. Even as the two boys slipped out of their clothing and crept into bed, Carl’s thoughts still plagued him, but he was thankful for the loving arms of his boyfriend. They seemed to envelope him in a blanket of love and nothingness. Though he was still afraid of what lurked in the darkness of sleep, as his eye’s battled to stay open, in the end, sleep claimed him.

*                      *                      *

In actual fact, as the days moved on Corey was finding that he wasn’t as happy about the situation as Carl thought. The simple fact of the matter was, that although he’d discovered far too late that he wasn’t In love with Sam, he did love her and love her deeply. And though he wasn’t that happy about having sex with her, he did appreciate that they’d shared something very special. Don’t take that the wrong way, Corey was no different from any other fourteen year old boy, he loved the fact that he wasn’t a virgin anymore, he just couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d taken something he shouldn’t have and that he’d cheapened their whole relationship.

If it wasn’t for that one afternoon, of sloppy awkward teenage hormone fuelled lust, he felt that Sam would’ve been able to handle what came next so much better. Instead she’d clung to him for dear life. Before they’d left, Corey was her rock, all the while she was falling apart around him. He’d done his best to comfort her, but how much can a fourteen year old boy really do? Especially when in his mind, he felt the most responsible for what was going on.

Don’t get him wrong, Corey wasn’t blaming himself for JJ’s death, far from it, he knew he wasn’t responsible for that. What he felt he was responsible for, however, was to lower Sam’s previously seemingly strong defences by what he did. The fact that he wasn’t, was completely lost on him. The old saying of ‘It takes two’, didn’t even enter into his young teenage mind. As he lay there in his messed up bed, his hands behind his head, his eye’s staring at the same patch of ceiling that they had been for the last hour he just kept rolling it round and round in his head.

All he could come with, was that he really missed her. He missed the time they spent together, no matter what they did. Be it tearing up the skate park that was halfway between their two houses, or hanging out at the mall with friends. As those thoughts slipped through his mind, he came to the realisation that what he missed the most, was those times where they were alone, the times spent in front of the TV downstairs watching a movie, or walking hand in hand along the beach. His face wrinkled up in disgust as he cringed when that thought entered his head. Never in his entire life would he have believed he could be that soppy, though while he tried to dismiss it, he just couldn’t deny its validity.

Standing at the departure window, Corey hadn’t cried as the Green’s left. Along with Cam, Corey had taken them to the airport to see them off. Saying goodbye to Sam was, he thought, a very important moment, but try as he might, he just couldn’t remember feeling anything about it at the time. He was certainly paying for that now, the loss that had been gnawing at his heart over the last week, had been steadily growing by the day. So much so that a few days ago, he’d sought out the counsel of his uncle on the matter.

Getting the picture of the scene in his head as soon as he thought of it, he soon discovered that he could remember the whole thing perfectly. It had been a hot day, those had been happening a lot lately, and he’d found his uncle relaxing on the back deck with a cigarette and a beer, just watching the sun go down. Corey had pulled another deck chair over and sat down beside his uncle. They were both silent for a little while, just enjoying the view and each others company, when Corey let it all out.

“You never forget your first anything kiddo…” His uncle had said, after he’d told him everything. “Girls or even people will come and go throughout your life… but you never forget your first.”

“I just don’t get it Uncle Cam… why’d this all have to happen?”

Cam took a deep breath, then an even deeper drag on his cigarette. As he let it out, he took a pull on his almost empty beer, while he looked sidelong at his young nephew. He really was a beautiful boy, his golden hair made almost sparkly by the low hanging sun, he’d make some girl very happy one day. But what surprised him, was the numb expression on his face. The kid was confused, that much was certain, but he’d never seen him that numb, not even on the boat that day and that scared Cam to his very core. Delicacy and total honesty was what was needed here he thought.

“I don’t know kiddo” He said. “Sometimes, we don’t always know why things happen, good or bad… I don’t understand why I had to lose Mark or so many of my men…. I don’t understand what I ever did in life to deserve the sweetest, most adorable, loving boys God ever created as my nephews…. and I definitely don’t understand what I did to deserve having Carl and Danny in my life either.”

He was silent for a moment as he contemplated just how far he should go, or more importantly what he was going to say next. He looked at Corey again, and could see that he was at least getting through, so he took the plunge and pulled his and his nephews chair around so they were looking square at each other.

“Look Corey… in life, good things and bad things happen all the time. When something horrible is happening to one person, something miraculous is happening to someone else at the same time… my point is, the wheels of life never stop turning… as my mother, your grandmother, always told me when I was a kid… God never shuts one door without opening another one… I want you to always remember that, kiddo… keep that in your heart…. you lost your best friend when Sam left, but she lost a brother, and Caleb and Cassie lost a son… it hurts… trust me I know… I’ve lost more than anyone ever should.”

Corey nodded, as he just sat there taking it all in. Cam on the other hand flicked his cigarette butt onto the grass and stood up, before he pulled the boy in and hugged him tightly. Corey wrapped his arms loosely around his uncle’s waist and rested his head on his uncle’s shoulder. It pained Cam in ways he could have never imagined to have to endure the sight of his nephew hurting so badly. He wished beyond his own soul that he could reach into his boy’s young heart and simply filter out all the pain for him.

The two hugged one another tightly on the back deck for a little while longer in total silence. Silence, Cam really hated it. In moments of silence your brain has control. It screams at you trying to break through the utter silence that surrounds it. Or at least his did. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. He didn’t know about that, he’d always wondered if it just makes you stranger, more broken?

Now days later, somehow Corey knew he was right, but that wasn’t doing much to comfort him right then. Up until then, Corey thought that he understood his place in life. In point of fact, he’d always felt like the alternate, the switch hitter, the spare. Corey was a good looking guy but the girls always used to go for his brother instead, he was smart, but he knew he’d never be able to compete with Dale academically. At one time that even bothered him, but not anymore. It had taken a long time, but Corey was finally starting to realise there were things that although Dale was good at, would always be Corey’s field of expertise.

He loved his brother dearly and because he loved him he knew that he was strong resourceful loyal, but what Corey had that his brother didn’t, was his independence. Unlike Dale, he didn’t need constant companionship, he was quite happy on his own, and it was that independence, Corey knew, that he would use to get through this. Sure he missed Sam, but he missed her as a friend more than a partner, that part he could do without for a while.

Friends is what he needed, a best friend to be precise, his brother used to be his best friend, but the when they split rooms that all stopped. Now he knew why, though he wasn’t unhappy about it. They were still friends, good friends to go along with being brothers, but Carl was his brother’s best friend now, and there was no way he was going to get between that.  As he finally drifted off to sleep, his mind was full of thought’s over whether or not they’d mind if he hung with them for a while, until he found his new best friend.

*                      *                      *

Carl awoke the next morning with a grumble, the alarm clock that he’d so often pre-empted, seemed to bounce around the inside of his skull like a runaway jackhammer. Even the early mornings light seemed extra bright to him that day. He wasn’t ready yet, he could see the looks in his mind and it hurt already. Could hear the voices of the kids in the halls, that dirty nasty word bounced around in his brain giving company to that jackhammer he could still feel in there. Faggot, how many would say it? Even the chirping of the birds outside his window, stung his ear drums as he stumbled out of bed and went through his morning routine.

It was while he was brushing his hair that he noticed his eyes. They were bloodshot and he had darkened bags under them. He knew he hadn’t slept that well, but now  he wanted to cringe and hide back under his blankets for all of eternity, but he couldn’t, he knew that, he had to be strong. When he reached for his toothbrush, his fingers brushed against the one that was Dale’s, he suddenly thought of him and felt a deep sense of loneliness. Carl couldn’t remember the last time he’d woken up without him being there, finishing up he took a deep breath and walked out the door.

A smile he didn’t see coming, broke out across his face as he stepped back into the bedroom. There in front of his eyes, was one of the most beautiful sights he had seen in a very long time. Kneeling on the now made bed, wearing nothing but a tight pair of baby blue boxer shorts, and holding a breakfast tray was his lover…

“I brought you breakfast…” Dale said, with a lascivious grin on his face.

“I see that… God I love you!… you’re just what I need right now…”

“Well I sure hope so… now come eat before it gets cold.”

How many had heard? That was the question that now overtook his very being. How many had heard what his insane brother had screamed… How much did they really know? The inside of his head was a constant whirlwind of worries as he sat in the back of Cam’s jeep on the way to school.

Then it started as short sharp breaths, when they turned onto the street where the school was. He could feel the turmoil building up, twisting his insides and ultimately turning them into knots. He could feel his blood rushing through him, it pounded in his ears as his heart quickened, and his throat started closing. Dizziness hit him like a Mack truck head on and his vision blurred. Scaly fingers of panic gripped his chest so tightly, he thought he’d pass out just as Cam pulled the jeep over to the curb outside.

Taking several deep breaths to calm himself down, Carl looked into the identical faces of the two boys he cared most about in this world, and felt the strength and love that emanated from them. He could do this, he had to do this… And so he did, right up until lunch. His first few classes hadn’t been that bad, sure there was some talk, some whispered conversations, but he’d been able to ignore most of them. He thought it actually helped that neither Dale or Carl were in those classes, at least it was only him that had to bare it.

When lunch rolled around, Carl headed to the cafeteria as he always had done. He took a tray and filled it with whatever he felt he could keep down and then went outside, preferring to suffer the slightly inclement weather rather than the stares and barbs of his classmates. When he cleared the doors he saw the twins had had the same idea, as if they were waiting for him, they were leaning against a large planter, balancing their own trays on it so they could eat. That’s when it all turned to shit, Carl saw the stone as it travelled through the air, then he watched in horror as Dale went down. Dropping his tray in panic he sprinted to his boyfriend’s side. Luckily Dale was conscious but a little woozy…

“My head… it hurts bad.”

Both Corey and Carl were kneeling beside Dale, when he started rubbing a spot on the back of his head, then stopped. He pulled his hand back to look at it. Carl saw it, blood stained his lover’s fingertips, and for the first time in his very young life, Carl saw red. Looking back at the dispersing crowd, he saw Eddie Evans standing against a tree, his eyes watching them intently, all the while lazily throwing a rock up in the air before catching it easily in the flat of his palm.

A blinding rage took hold of Carl and he just snapped, his body acting on it’s own volition, his feet hit the ground hard as he jumped up. His strong young legs making long strides in his rage, he closed the gap in no time flat. Eddie started backing up when he saw Carl coming. His backing up showing his fear, showing the world, or at least the middle school playground, the cowardice that lurks beneath any bully. To make matters worse, an inner beast that lived within Carl, that was born of all the torment and ridicule he’d suffered throughout his young life, seemed to feed upon that fear with a ravenous hunger.

Carl felt a low growl bubbling up from the very depths of his stomach, before it rumbled out through his almost painfully clenched teeth. Eddie started back pedalling  quicker, the distance closing far too rapidly for his liking, but not quick enough. He desperately looked this way and that for any help, expecting one of his friends to come to his aid, no one was there, Eddie was on his own. Carl’s arm flew out and his fist connected with a sickening smack to Eddie’s nose, forcing him to stumble back disoriented. Carl followed up immediately, as he had been taught very well, and his left hand flew just as quickly into Eddie’s gut, dropping him to the ground.

The second blow knocked the wind out of him, but it was far from over. Kids surrounded them, like they always do, giving the impression of a gladiatorial circle. all shouting, fight, fight, fight! All it did was to fuel Carl’s appetite, he got on top of Eddie, straddling his torso and started punching him over and over. Eddie raised his hands in a futile effort to try blocking, but Carl was very quick, and he couldn’t block all of them. Lost in a blood lust, Carl started pounding Eddie’s head into the ground, which was when he realized he was screaming at him….

“Where’s all your buddies now huh?… Fucking bitch ass!”

Just as he was really hitting his stride, he felt himself being pulled off of the prone bloody and lolling form of what had been one of his biggest tormentors. Unfortunately though as often happens in these situations, Carl’s adrenaline still flowed freely throughout his entire body, and he wanted more. He spun around expecting to see one of Eddie’s friends trying to help him out, and took a mad swing, hitting his English teacher squarely on the side of the face.

That sobered him right up, his face turned bright red with fear, as he realised what he’s done. His whole body near collapsed as the fight was torn from his body, all he knew now was that he was sunk. When the reality of hitting a teacher finally sank in, Carl realised he was probably in the most trouble he’d ever been in. But then something truly remarkable happened, Mr Mason, Carl’s 8th grade English teacher winked at him as he helped him up off the ground. His teacher holding firmly to his arm, waited there a moment, as a security guard helped a bloody faced Eddie from the ground to take him into the nurses station.

When they were gone, and again on the way to the nurse’s office, Rob Mason looked down at Carl. The boy’s hands and wrists looked like they smarted something fierce. Blood covered the knuckles of the boy’s hands and Eddie had obviously gotten him in the nose. It made a funny thought come to his mind, he wondered how much of it was from one of his favourite students, and how much was Eddie’s? As he chuckled at the scene he’d witnessed, he pulled Carl against his much larger frame, in an effort to comfort the boy. He’d seen the whole thing from start to finish, he just couldn’t get there in time to stop it before it started. But what’s more, he knew what Eddie was like, there was no way on this planet that he was going to see Carl take any punishment for doing what every teacher in that school would kill to do.

That really wasn’t how Carl felt though, sitting on a chair in the nurse’s office waiting room. Carl kept staring at his hands, never before had he lost control like that, he felt sick, disgusted with himself. But even then he still wanted to smash Eddie’s face in. What’s worse was that he could tell that Eddie knew it too, because the few times he’d looked over towards where Eddie sat, he’d looked terrified. Carl was shocked, he really wanted to apologise, but he still felt sick, the only thing that comforted him was the arm that was wrapped tightly across his shoulder, the arm of the one boy that could bring him back from anything.

He really thought he was about to be sick, but just then the nurse came in and made a gasp, which pulled him temporarily out of his funk.

“You two with bleeding noses tip your heads back and hold right below the bone but don’t squeeze hard.” She shifted her attention to Dale. “Any injuries?”

“Yeah… the back of my heads bleeding… and I have the mother of all headaches.”

“Hmmm… sit tight…I’ll be right back.” She said.

All the while, the security guard watched everyone like a hawk hoping that his mere presence was enough to stop any flame ups, because he was probably too  old to do anything about it anyway. When the nurse came back she had two cloths and some saline water.

“Wipe yourselves up with these,” she handed a cloth to Carl, it was damp. Wiping his nose and fingers tenderly he watched as she attended to Dale.

“I need you to stand please, and move over by that counter so I have room to work.”

She moved a chair over and told him to sit. As soon as he’d done so, she started to sift gently through the slightly bloody hair on the back of his head. Dale winced once or twice as she sluiced it out…

“Just like I thought… it’s just a small cut but there is some swelling… just sit there for a while and you’ll be fine… ok sweetie?”

“Ok.” Dale said, smiling up at her.

While the nurse had attended to Dale, the principal had arrived. To Carl’s frightened eyes, he looked super angry, but he soon left again, having been ushered out by Mr Mason. Carl could hear some loud voices out in the corridor, but he couldn’t make out any of the words. The nurse then turned her attention to Eddie as he seemed to be the most worse off of her remaining two patients. She threw her gloves into the waste bin and put on new ones, then took the cloth from him and wiped away the excess he didn’t get.

“You again…” She said. “ Right… I’m going to need to feel your nose… it’s going to hurt but I need to know if it’s broken.”

When she squeezed on his nose, he yelped out in extreme pain. She rubbed up and down feeling it maybe a little more than she should, like she knew what he had done and felt like punishing him. Satisfied it wasn’t broken, she went over to Carl, and did the same routine but a lot more tenderly. Again not broken, she pulled out a flash light and shined it in his eyes, then asked a couple of test questions. Satisfied that they all seemed to be ok at the moment. She leaned out of the door and obviously looked at the principal, as if to say he could start.

The principal came in and stared at the four boys, the fourth being Corey, who wouldn’t leave his brother’s side, and was the one that had helped him into the office in the first place. He shook his head almost sadly…

“Eddie… your mother has been called and is on the way… You three, your uncle has also been called and should be here shortly… shall we continue this in my office?”

It wasn’t a question, and that fact was made quite clear when the principal turned on his heels and headed back out the door, followed quickly by Mr Mason, the security guard, and four very concerned boys.